Transcend into Descent
by Rho-xx
Summary: Explores the developement of: anorexia nervosa, OCD, depression, eating disorder, denial, guilt, grief and depression in Bella Swan. A better summary is provided in the prologue chapter.  rated T for anorexia
1. Prologue

**Some Information: This story is set where chapter four of New Moon would start; it is after Edward Cullen left Bella Swan. The characters and original story belong to Stephenie Meyer, however this story is a result of my own creation, but uses her characters to tell it. Some characters may be slightly OOC but for the most part I believe Bella Swan isn't based on the way she acts in the Twilight Series I think she is very at risk of developing an eating disorder through her obsessive/perfecionistic traits and her negative outlook on many things evident by her constant comparison of devine beauty verses her 'average' looks.**

**Summary: Bella Swan see's life not worth living without him without Edward Cullen. Loving someone, human, vampire or other, completely and unconditionally never leaves you as Bella Swan now knows but after months of living in a zombie world how can you stop the pain caused to others when the pain inside of you never leaves? Bella while at her most emmotionally vunerable shall treanscend into descent.**

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Prologue:

"_Unworthy, disgusting, selfish, pathetic...", runs throughout my mind like wild fire._

_Tears begin to well, blurring my vision as I stand shakily staring at my reflection. Disgust and hatred seemingly burns the inside of my skull as the first tears dribble out the corners of my eyes wetting my nose before I taste their saltiness on my quaking lips._

"_Ha, even weaker and even more pathetic than I thought you were!" my inner demon chides mockingly as the first true sobs are heard escaping me, reverberating off the cold tiled bathroom floor. The eerie darkness of the night magnifies my feelings of isolation, which stab me time after time! Loneliness brings me to my knees as I convulse with nerve racking sobs; the sobs build power and intensity with every moment of time passing, with each painful, unwanted breath._

_Suddenly I clasp my hands desperately to the sides of my head as tormenting thoughts and emotions beyond my control, swirl, kicking me maliciously in the gut, knocking me to the floor. I cry out soundlessly in desperation as the cold tiles bring no pain or discomfort as they should; I curl into a foetal position, cradle my head like a bomb about to explode before rolling around, muttering, and pleading for the pain to cease. However hard as I try the pain keeps coming, it doesn't stop; that voice of ill intent hovering over my crumpled body._

_She doesn't like me, the voice, the thoughts, the unprecedented emotions and feelings. She hates me. I can see that and can feel its grasp more than never before. After whimpering, pleading, thanking and helping her for all this time she still mocks me. I know I deserve all of this from her all of this pain is more than I deserve, after all the wrong turns, imperfections and the selfish cruel acts I have committed to, thought and done. I deserve this I am worthless I am scared._

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Authers Note: Please review and commment/compliment/criticize please! I want to know whether my writing style is appealing because I plan to make this story BIG! =]


	2. Chapter ONE

**I don't own twilight.**

**This is slightly intertwined with the fourth chapter of New Moon so I can sort of link the story I wrote with the one in New Moon, but the story will for the most part veer away from the one Stephenie Meyer wrote. **

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Chapter One:

Rain petted the window gently as I was slowly aroused into consciousness by the sound. Not wanting to open my eyes I blindly reached over for comfort, my hand continued its search for a few more dragging moments until it gave up. Annoyed I grumbled incoherently before propping myself up whilst rubbing sleep from my eyes. The rain continued petting the window as I slowly opened my eyes to the soft light wavering into my room through the curtains. Great another day without him, without my Edward.

Realising this sorry fact I slumped back into bed wanting nothing more than sleep to overcome me till the day I die. However the pain smacked me in the gut. Edward was not my Edward, Edward did not want me. I always knew he was too perfect for someone as ordinary and weak as a human like me. Unable to stop myself, my mind begun bringing forth images of how beautifully god like he was; his special crooked smile, perfectly sculpted tall slim body, his perfect golden to onyx eyes, his thick wavy auburn hair, his melodic voice, his charm, his beauty, his smell, his lips... I never deserved someone anywhere near to perfect let alone him, with his beyond human beauty. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes as that wretched whole made me clutch at my body trying to somehow mend the emptiness that made me feel as though my body would collapse in on itself; my world, my universe had already gone, since he left, it's not like that could collapse. I felt like a moon was circling a planet which was no longer there yet still circled in hope.

"Bella!" Charlie gently but firmly called up the stairs. What time is it? Did I do something wrong? Charlie never wakes me in the morning. I guess it's because unlike the past months I haven't woken up screaming bloody murder. Maybe that is it...

I slowly once again got up rubbed my eyes, but this time to rid myself of the tears, those wretched tears, and removed my blanket. My body shivered at the unexpected temperature of a cooler room. Lazily I pulled on my 'favourite' comfy jeans and baggy tee-shirt, not that favourite or comfy had any meaning to me anymore, then quickly pulled on some socks and thumped down the stairs to Charlie awaiting me. Maybe I should cook him breakfast, I hope he still wants me too...

Tripping only once on the bottom stairs, I lazily trudged into the kitchen from where I heard Charlie call out to me. "Bell's come sit I made us some breakfast" he almost sounded pleading as he pet the seat next to him and gestured to his idea, or was it attempt, at making breakfast. I blinked at the milk and bowl of plain cereal. "Dad you forgot to pour juice" I mumbled as I retrieved two glasses and poured each of us a one. Charlie smiled sheepishly but still had that weird pleading aura. I tried my best to smile thanks and gesture jokingly at cereal being his idea of making breakfast before taking a seat and crossing my legs so it would feel less like my body was collapsing.

After a few minutes of mindlessly shovelling cereal in my mouth and gulping down my juice, Charlie interjected. "Bell's I think you should see someone, you're not coping. In life bad things happen and time normally heals things. But you honey aren't coping, so I made a few calls to the..."

"What are you saying? I'm fine, I ... wait you don't mean a shrink do you!" my voice turned sharp. My cereal bowl was now full of mush as I drew in a breath, trying to hide my crumpling face. I thought I was doing okay, my grades were good, I never broke curfew, I always had dinner ready and rarely served leftovers, all that for nothing, I thought I was protecting Charlie...

"Bella you don't do anything you are lifeless like a walking zombie. When Renee left that was hard for me but I held onto hope and it got better eventually. I think we both know that it is not getting better for you Bell's..." Charlie said as he got up and took our plates to the sink.

"I am fine" my voice turned flat as I got up to do the dishes. "I don't need help and I'm not going to go to a shrink. Dad, just tell me what I have done wrong and I'll fix it". He knew.

"Bella haven't you been listening to me or seen yourself for the past few months?" he growled angrily banging his fist on the table. "You do NOT do ANYTHING! It is like living with a robotised zombie. How could you have done something wrong if you don't do anything Bells?" he exclaimed breathing deeply to calm down.

"Fine I was going to get together with Jess this week. Now can I go?" I retorted.

"Yes Bell's you may go. I just want you to be you, and feel happy or at least something besides this. Just let me know after school when you are going to get together with Jess so I can call Billy, it might be on a day when a game is on."

"Thanks Dad" I said whilst trying to make an effort at a reassuring smile, but seemingly failed. Crap he definitely knew.

I could still hear the rain against the windows as I made my way almost shamefully up the stairs mulling over my new found insight into Charlie's power of observation verses power of conversation. I seriously thought that I was protecting him from me, I thought I could at least prove to Charlie that I could be strong so I would at least spare a person I cared for from me. I already hurt someone I loved and now he was gone... Besides I rebutted in my head to Charlie's earlier suggestion of seeing a shrink, psychoanalysis relies on the truth and in my case the truth would probably end up locked in a white padded room, restrained by a straight jacket; it is not like they'd believe anything about vampires let alone being a girlfriend of one...

The closing of the front door, preceding the sound of Charlie's police cruiser out front, starting its engine and driving away, alerted me to the loneliness of the empty house, reminding me that I would have to leave soon for school.

Sigh, the arduous task of looking presentable when I really didn't care about much besides the gaping hole making it hard to breathe and tears well up in my eyes, as I walked upstairs to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror as I walked into the bathroom reminded me of Edward; despite no truth in it, the whole mirror and no reflection concept resounded in me screaming waves of pain through my gaping hole. Forcing myself not to sob, or for that matter collapse in an ocean of tears, I looked in the mirror. I took in every minute scratch or sign of aging around the rim of the mirror, then stared at the sink realising it needed to be cleaned soon, and let my eyes focus on every detail in the bathroom without looking out the window, knowing it was raining. The shower was dripping so I turned the tap tighter until it stopped, I realised the shower hadn't been wiped down after Charlie used it this morning, so I pulled my socks off and checking my watch noting I had over an hour to kill before I was required to drive to school, then carefully wiped every droplet of water off the showers single sliding door and the rest of the walls inside it. I then realised I should probably shower before I go to school or at least rinse. If I wanted Charlie to feel better about me I could at least put my "normal self" amount of effort into looking presentable, though that wasn't much, it was an improvement.

Ten minutes out of the very brief shower I rewhipped its' walls and hastily blow-dried my hair, yanking out the knots and pulling it back with simple hair elastic. There was still another twenty minutes till I would have to leave. Grumbling I wet my tooth brush, wrapped my towel around me tighter until the hole felt somewhat contained and begun the recommended three minute brush. Looking in the mirror I noticed how red my eyes look but at least they weren't tearing so I splashed my face with cool water and gargled with mouth wash. Once I had finished I looked around the bathroom and put the clothes I was wearing in the laundry basket and since I had done that I felt compelled to push all the clothes down and close the lid lining it with the hinges perfectly. Looking in the mirror or more like staring deciding what to do I realised my hair had grown, duh stupid, but really grown at least four inches or so down to my waist as I twirled and twisted trying to see the ends in the small mirror. Wondering if my weight had changed I hoped on the ancient scales; 119.2lbs, only 4 to 5lbs difference, on the heavier side, my girl mind noted, at least that didn't change much, my girl mind interceded again and I found myself chuckling at the vein thought.

After deciding to myself that I would make an effort to feel something again, I started reminiscing on what I did wrong to make Charlie feel so distressed. Looking back I realised it was a whole lot of little things that I did or mostly didn't do. My mind was pretty sure that the incident when he left was not the main cause of concern, nor was the first few nights of unexpected screaming, it was something I did wrong which betrayed my original self and destroyed my act. That much I could surmise but since I couldn't be me again anyway I thought about little things I could do as I made my way to my bedroom to get changed into something more suited to what I normally would wear. It is not that I didn't used to wear my jeans and top that I was wearing this morning, I realised I wore it almost every day which I knew my old self most certainly wouldn't do. Annoyed at myself for not realising that sooner I decided I'd have to sit down and make a list, and soon. When I get back from school this afternoon I told myself as I flittered through my clothes pulling out a different top before wiggling it over my head.

* * *

The drive to school was a blur, I didn't turn on the stereo, it reminded me of them so it was relatively quiet too, apart from my trucks usual roar. All the good parking spaces were full so I had to make do with carefully backing it into a spot that looked too small for even a mouse to get into and carefully squeezing out to avoid bumping the car next to me, balancing my book bag under my parker to avoid the rain which seemed to have grown in intensity since I woke up. Stumbling to the shelter of the front office I realised people didn't even bother to look my way or say hello, it was as if I was surrounded by a bubble with sound all around me as people chatted and hung about waiting for the bell which was due to ring any second. Wondering what I did, I continued to walk to my first class, alone, not waiting for the bell.

I realised many people seemed to not properly notice or acknowledge my existence. This intimidated me so much that I couldn't bear to talk to Jessica let alone ask about doing something this week. Crap. Was I really that bad? I guess I fooled no one except into thinking I really was a "robotised zombie". I had many chances to talk to Jessica or anyone else that I usually would have before or even avoided before but everyone seemed to be under the impression I was surrounded by the bubble. Even in mathematics or Spanish when I was sitting next to her I couldn't because that bubble was still surrounding me. So I went the whole day without speaking to anyone not even the teachers who probably stopped bothering with me around the same time everyone else did. The familiar chiming of the bell jerked me out of a daze.

What time is it? What class am I in? I repeatedly asked myself until I realised I was in maths, or more like still in the maths classroom. That's right; I had asked Mr Varner earlier if I could use his class room at lunch to 'study'. Sighing with a small amount of relief that I knew where I was I slumped back over my grid book, trying to will time to go faster. However before I could go back into my catatonic gaze a familiar voice interceded. I looked up, not bothering to straighten my ponytail or move the loose hair out of my face, expecting it to be either an angry or a concerned teacher.

Mike Newton stood in front of my desk; so that's whose voice I heard. It clicked I knew what he had asked because he asks every Friday.

Before he could repeat his question again I answered with a slightly slurred; "Yes I'll be at work tomorrow". He had a somewhat anxious expression as he looked at me. I had no idea why I was never late, happy to work over time, and never had a sick day, well excluding that one time. Not dwelling on why he had such a concerned look, when he knew I was a model employee, I briskly gathered my books together and got on with the rest of my dreary wet school day.

As the final bell of the school day resounded in the classrooms I found myself lazily pulling my sport uniform off and shoving it in my book bag, not wanting to bother with people heading to their lockers. It was still raining but not very hard so I didn't get too wet on the way to my Chevy, despite stumbling twice. Even wedged between two cars the distinctive rusted red paint couldn't be lost so it was easy for me to find it; I had become forgetful over the past months so luckily my Chevy proved an exception. Once I got in I turned the heater on full blast before hurriedly driving out onto the excuse of a main road.

The drive home seemed as much a blur as the drive to school; I have to stop doing that, I told myself. Figuring that the moments in time where everything seemed like a blur was part of the problem; the problem mainly consisted of upsetting Charlie but also school/socialising was too. I knew from that moment that changing was going to be my top priority if I wanted my loved ones to be okay.

Later in the afternoon when I finished all my homework and my second draft for an English assignment, I decided to go shopping and cook something Charlie loved. This found me walking slightly damp up and down the aisles picking out ingredients for a gourmet battered fish; there really wasn't anything big I had to get because Charlie always had the basic battered fish compiling in the freezer ready to feed the human population when all else ran out. I chuckled feeling slightly giddy as I practically bounced around thinking of things Charlie loved. I must have looked maniacal as water droplets shook off my bizarre expression. It still felt wrong to smile for some reason, almost painful. Once everything I needed was in the trolley I started to head out. But before I made it to the checkout I walked past the freezer section. A box of original flavoured flying saucers spoke to me, telling me how good it would be to treat yourself and how happy Charlie would be to see that I wanted to. I smiled goofily and picked up the box of 12.

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Charlie arrived home around 5oclock; he hung his police gear up and rounded the corner to the lounge room to watch telly. I just watch him walk past the kitchen shocked that he didn't say hello or comment on the smell of my cooking; I didn't think it smelt bad, though most food had lost the pleasurable taste. Calm down Bella. Deep breaths he probably thought I was still a zombie. I sighed. I guess I wasn't fooling him one bit... Crap I was meant to organise something with Jessica. What to do? I know!

"Ch- Dad! I jus-"I started but was abruptly cut off by Charlie who had sprinted into the kitchen. Note to Bella control volume and pitch when speaking.

"What's wrong Bella? Did something... You spoke to me... and I didn't speak first... I-I I?" he exclaimed confused.

Ignoring this trying to be as normal as possible I started to speak, though my voice did sound alien to me. "Dad I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to ask Jessica if she wanted to hang out but I was wondering if you and I could spend some time together on the weekend." Charlie's jaw would be rolling around on the floor if it wasn't attached; note to self do not give my dad a heart attack. "Um um sure Bells what would you like to do? I guess we could see a movie or go out for dinner... or or..." feeling blush creep into my face because of his reaction I took a deep breath knowing what to do.

"Actually Dad I was wondering if you and I could go fishing. You know just the two of us. Besides it would probably do me some good to get out in the fresh air and maybe vitamin D if the sun decides to show." With that Charlie seemed to markedly look more relaxed about me as we both ate dinner in our usual but good silence before continuing with making plans.

I found myself just a bit over two hours later pacing in my room looking at the piece of paper I set out on my desk wondering what to write on the list. I kept finding myself wondering if I had any homework to do but realised I had finished that much earlier in the afternoon and had proof read it whilst cooking. Dam it. Dam it. Dam it Bella! I thought stomping a little too hard as I abruptly came to a halt. Then I decided to approach it differently and wrote out in blue pen: 'what was wrong with me that need to be fixed?'

You gained a few pounds... my girl mind suggested. Grumble. Okay that's a start. What else?

You don't exactly have perfect grades I mean come on that B+/A- average could easily become A+.

And I really couldn't think of anything besides the vein faults though then again better grades and body would be nice. Maybe that is why you found yourself where you are now like I'm sure I had other faults but maybe letting myself slip and not applying my all led to this shit of a downward spiral. Maybe that is why Edward could never love me. Edward was the definition of god like beauty and he was incredibly smart and knowledgeable, maybe his brains and beauty genes and the extra 100years to gain knowledge was just too much to ask for him to love such a plain soft human.

The clock beeped letting me know that a knew hour was upon me, it also jerked me into realising I was crying; the tears smudged my writing. God I'm useless I thought scrunching the paper up noting, no vowing to myself I will average A+ and loose the weight, perhaps more. Starting tomorrow I will have a plan I told myself aggressively before brushing my teeth and stumble into bed wearing an old baggy shirt; humph not that baggy anymore. I gladly welcomed the unconsciousness as it finally swept over me; the rain petting the window was the last thing I heard.

* * *

Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.

"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt. He took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving."

I took a deep breath too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask. "Why now? Another year- "

Beep Beep!

Stop it I groan.

Beep Beep!

"Bella I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.

Beep Beep!

"You ... don't ... want me?"

"No."

Beep Beep!

"No."

Beep Beep!

"You ... don't ... want me?"

Fuzzy images of my room start to come into focus. I can feel beads of sweat forming and rolling off my forehead. Tears streamed freely as realisation hits the words echo in my head: "You ... don't ... want me?" "No."

Beep Beep!

My alarm finally jerks me out of it, enough so that I could carry myself to the bathroom and rinse off all the sweat as hot water pounds my bare flesh. The word 'no' keeps repeating in my mind. He doesn't want me I keep realising over and over again as I rinse the strawberry scented conditioner from my hair. As I stepped out of the shower it felt like a million tonnes of concrete had fallen on my heaving chest. I look into the full length mirror hanging off the bathroom door just to make sure the house hadn't fallen on my head.

I stand there gasping for breath for a long time dripping and shaking not bothering to gather my towel around me for warmth. Trying to slow my heart beat I draw my attention to my naked body and am shocked at what I see. I'm slim but soft just squishy I look at all the squishy bits that I just noticed I really don't like. My arms legs, stomach and just about everything that wasn't my breasts I balked at. Did I really look like that? Yes girl mind confirmed.

"You ... don't ... want me?"

"No."

He doesn't want me and I am beginning to see why, me and my girl mind think.

Beep Beep!

My alarm grabs my attention and I sprint out of the bathroom wrapping the towel around as I go. Not wanting to wake Charlie up I hastily turn the alarm off before once again sprinting, this time out the door after pulling on suitable clothes for work. I gulp down a glass of juice and grab my school bag not bothering with getting out the essentials mainly because my school bag was so empty; its previous contents were spewed up yesterday afternoon so I could finish school work.

In my hast to get out of the house I found myself sitting in my ancient Chevy early for work. This however had its advantages I realised; I could sift through formulating a plan on what I wanted to do to reach my two goals I set for myself. A solution to the whole body thing came easily and ironically because I could start by acquiring some sport gear for half price at Newton's store after I finished work. With that in mind I yanked my keys from the ignition and went forth with the long three hour shift.

It wasn't until one in the afternoon that I got home. I should have gotten home earlier but I got distracted. First I bought a pair of well fitted trainers that weren't too expensive. Then Mike just stood there trying to chat with me as I was leaving the store, he soon gave up when I choked on tears and ran out to my truck. Then I realised I needed clothes to train in, so despite not knowing what I was going to do I bought 'skins' which to me looked like ordinary leggings but they are supposed to help prevent cramping and promote blood flow, I also picked up a matching training top and sports bra which could fit from an A-cup to a C-cup. I knew I was too shy to where that so I bought the training top as well.

Charlie eyed my bundle as I walked through the door dripping from the rain.

"What do you have there Bells?" he asked cautiously.

I was expecting this and had thought about it in the car. "Oh nothing much, I just realised I don't have any exercise cloths so I bought the basics. I thought maybe if I did something healthy and productive, like working off a few extra pounds which I gained during that time and tone up, that it might help me you know, get over it faster." It was a fairly long explanation for me but I knew Charlie would support me rather than oppose me if I got that off my chest. As expected Charlie seemed slightly shocked that I could manage such a long and detailed answer, but he quickly recovered.

Obvious relief/hope flooded his face as he went on to add: "That is great Bells!"

I smiled and couldn't help but add "You have a bit of extra poundage yourself. Perhaps I could cook a bit healthier for the benefit of both of us." My smile broadened and I couldn't help but giggle when Charlie turned tomato red. "We can even go for a walk together every now and then." I said sarcastically knowing full well that he would not be doing that, his male ego wouldn't allow it. "I think I have a bit more to lose than you honey." Charlie mumbled as I walked past him to my bedroom.

I felt so elated and hopeful as I dressed into my track pants and my once baggier top. Charlie was already feeling better about how I was "coping" I just knew it. Now all that was left was to give Renee the same relief that was now settling on Charlie. So I turned on the computer and looked about my room. It wasn't messy but a few things were out of place. Knowing that my computer would take till Christmas to warm up I scooped up all the dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket in the bathroom, making sure the lid was shut and evenly lined up. I went on to fold all my clothes again and put them in the closet along with my newly bought sport gear. The computer had turned on but I now had to fill in time whilst waiting for the internet to connect. My bed was made but it wasn't even so I straightened everything out and smoothed the sheets, for some reason things needed to be just right as of recent, otherwise I felt slightly uncomfortable.

When the internet finally decided to awaken I went to work by reading through all of the emails Renee sent that indicated she had noticed something was wrong. All her emails seemingly turned into monotone journal entries that had become further apart and shorter in duration. This frustrated me a little. Renee was far more observant than Charlie, but I already knew that, it is just that she seemed to have caught on a lot faster than expected meaning I would have to put in a lot more of an effort to make Renee feel better. Knowing this I got to work by sending a gushing email that went over every detail replying to every change in her life that I missed, making sure I was giving it lots of enthusiasm but not too much so that I sounded manic. I could tell it was going to work that Renee would think I have started to get over it. Just by analysing the email she just sent me; the tone seemed normal with a slight hint of caution to the wind. In a week she will think I am back to my old self. I knew better I could feel the hole in me widening, making the air thick and hard to breathe, but that can be my secret.

Dinner was simple and we would be able to have it early, at around six. I felt pleased with myself the meal looked healthy and didn't smell half bad either. It was a vegetable concoction that I plan on using again with pasta instead of rice. I used pureed vegetables to make a creamy sauce without cream, bronzed a few crunchy vegetable, added celery as filler, and boiled brown rice to go with the meal. Charlie didn't grumble too much as I dished out two thirds for him and the remainder for myself. Despite my coaxing he insisted on putting cheese on his, deep down I knew I really didn't care as long as he didn't put it on mine, I also somehow knew that this would make it easier for me to reach an acceptable weight if I made out I wanted everyone to for the benefit of them and not just my vanity. Dinner was a quiet affair but it seemed as though Charlie was already on the way to believing I was fine. If only I thought as I hid my unease until I reached my bedroom and let go. I was not fine and the gaping hole had no intention of leaving until I fixed myself, I just knew it.

Once I heard Charlies snores at around ten I turned to my computer which was thankfully still connected to the internet. Quickly I typed a word into search that I heard once in a magazine or something. I reeled in horror at what popped up; pictures of bones with skin draped over them, they weren't bony they were beyond description. I found myself feeling emotions of sadness that were not related to Edward not being here. Recovering from the shock I typed in "nutrition". I had always secretly loved the science behind food so not only did I know a lot of the information I saw, I found that I was learning and understanding things at a remarkable speed even for me. This pleased me and I couldn't help but smile despite it feeling alien; I felt smart. Eventually exhaustion overcame me and I settled into thankfully a deep uninterrupted sleep.

* * *

"Bella!"

What is that annoying sound?

"Bella!"

Wtf it is 4am on a Sunday morning who would be asking for me now.

"Come on if we don't leave now we won't be able to catch much."

Catch much? Why would I want to catch something? Wait we? Slowly two plus two equalled four and I mumbled a groggy reply to Charlie. "Okay just give me a min't"

I stretched and eased myself onto my accident prone feet, which winced when I finally made it to the bathroom. After stripping and removing my watch and hair tie I relieved myself and cautiously stepped onto the scale. I decided last night that things would start properly at the beginning of the week even if that meant a 4am start. After I brushed my teeth and got changed into comfortable but appropriate clothing, I picked up a blank palm size note book and recorded my weight today; 118.3lb. At the top of the page I wrote in red my height (5'4") and then my goal weight, 115lb. I then wrote on a recently acquired white board underneathe the words: to do list; 'lose weight, get better grades'. I knew that I needed to keep a record of these things, I have heard that if you right down your goals you are more likely to achieve them so that's what I am going to do.

* * *

I felt exhausted but glad as I trudged in the door; my feet squeaked because I had fallen in and my socks were soaked. Groaning my whole way up the stairs was involuntary as I winced. Trust me to bruise my tail bone. I shivered slightly as I closed the door to the bathroom and hoped in the shower to let warm water wash over me and clean my muddy locks. It felt nice knowing that Charlie mentioned how he felt I was going; he seemed to think his talk about going to a shrink snapped me out of it. I smiled he was probably putting the fish we caught in the freezer whilst he continued the discussion with Renee. He mentioned that to before we got out of the car that he was going to call Renee so she would stop worrying so much. My thoughts proved true as I got out of the shower, Charlie's voice was animated and I could hear bits and pieces on the conversation he was having with Renee through the floor that was becoming increasingly slippery as my hair dripped. I relished the foggy environment of the bathroom as I turned up the fan to vent the moisture in the air so I could view my reflection as I brushed and towel dried my hair.

Once the mist cleared I wished it was back. I had dropped my towel and was viewing either side of my body. I could see I was not overweight but something about my reflection I did not like at all. I looked normal and healthy but I felt uneasy, I don't think I suit the way I look at present, hopefully when I get back to my old weight I will look better I thought and predominantly hoped. There was a slight bludge on my stomach, what I like to call the podge, and my thighs I decided rubbed too much; I vaguely remember having a healthy 'triangle' gap at the top, which was no longer visible no matter how long I stared at myself. I felt like punching the mirror but instead I got changed emptied the laundry hamper, carried it downstairs and put it in the washing machine.

The rest of the evening went by slowly. Charlie insisted on talking to me; asking how I was going and praising my miraculous bounce back into reality. He also chatted about the catch and how I scared them away after I fell in. I felt uneasy and my throat was tingly but I remained a tentative to laugh comment and interact normally. The last thing I wanted was for Charlie to think that I wasn't coping when he just started to see I was. I knew I wasn't, but it felt necessary to put on a mask I had acquired to keep him and Renee at bay until they backed off. I knew they would I could feel it as Charlie walked out to go and catch up with Billy; he took most of our 'catch' with him.

As I heard his police cruiser back out of our gritty driveway I walked slowly upstairs and flopped onto my bed. I lay there for a moment to savour the blue blankets comforting embrace. The computer was on and stared at me menacingly until I bothered to get up and throw myself into a long half hour of acting animated, happy and normal as I wrote to Renee. I was shocked she was out of the woods of worry. I could tell. This pleased me and I inwardly smiled as I signed off. I felt as though I had accomplished a task now at least I knew they weren't worrying about me. Now I just have to get people at school to interact with me. This was a pleasing thought.

Knowing Charlie wasn't going to be back until late, found me noisily rummaging through all my clothing. I sorted them according to size. I wanted to get rid of them. That left me with my comfy pairs of jeans, the formal wear Alice got me, I wonder how she is going, my pjs and exercise gear. I forgot how little I owned in the clothing department. I knew I would have to go clothes shopping. Shudder I hate shopping for clothes. The sorting didn't take very long so I decided to research on the internet nutrition science and various methods to lose weight. This thankfully took up hours that would otherwise be spent gasping for air, trying not to fall apart; it was a distraction and an interest I always had but never explored so naturally I had forgotten about it until now.

Charlie arrived home at around 1:30am, by which time I became entrenched in my self-assigned research and had wrote a long list of things that I would be implementing as of tomorrow. Exercises, food, drink, calories and everything else concerning nutrition were on the list which I had carefully written down in an exercise book. However there were some things I had to wait till morning to write down so I could implement my first strategy. It left me buzzing with new found enthusiasm as I drifted off after making sure Charlie was in bed and not on the couch.

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Note: This chapter may have or have not seemed rushed and the way she goes into making goals so quickly may seem odd but unless you have experienced an eating disorder or a mental disorder it is really hard to portray how it starts, and by that I mean really start, and yes they can start quickly (although the obviousness of it to the person experiencing it or the people around them is not apparent when it begins if that makes sense?). Please give your thoughts/opinions/compliments/criticizim; it is very hard to portray it even when I understand it.

**Oh and when Bella notices things wrong with her reflection it IS NOT distorted, not yet anyway, she actually is seeing herself as she is however she is focusing on parts that may not be considered 'good bits' more so than a normal, (I use the term normal hesitantly because who is to define normal?), person would; it is sort of like extreme focus that takes you over. Bella also if you havent noticed is/will be doing this to many other aspects of her and her life for example her grades and outward social presentation to Charlie.**

**REVIEW PLEASE! =]**


	3. Chapter TWO

**I don't own the Twilight series.**

**Bella is not anorexic, not yet anyway.**

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**Chapter Two:**

Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.

"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt. He took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving."

I took a deep breath too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask. "Why now? Another year- "

I gulped in air trying to suppress inevitable panic. Edward continued to stare at me whilst leaning against the tree. This bugged me. Why is he staring at me? I wonder and look down at my hands, my body and legs before twisting around to view my backside. I don't get it do I have bird crap in my hair I wonder.

I look up at Edward confused, pleading for answers. He sighs impatiently and reaches behind the tree. He indicates for me to look at it. It is a full length mirror. So what's so special about that? I think. What am I not seeing?

Edward rubs his temple frustrated and indicates for me to look at the mirror.

I suppress a scream. I hold my breath and shake my head furiously. There is a stranger staring back she is very plump, and has my eyes and hair. I look down at my hands and touch my face. I am huge. When did this happen I wonder shocked. I feel sick and disgusted I have got to get out. The green surroundings morph into my room.

I sat bolt upright panting before I jumped out of bed and run to the bathroom. I fell nauseated and scared. I am sitting on the edge of the bathtub shaking. Slowly and shakily I bring myself to look in the mirror above the sink. Phew. I am not huge but I still can't shake the image from my head and my morbidly obese reflection flashes before my eyes. I burst into tears.

I had to know how much I weighed now. I need the confirmation. I felt bile rise in my throat repulsed at the image in my dream. I look at my watch. It is 5am on a Monday morning. Plenty of time for a run I haven't done that yet. I feel an urge to, like never before. However I need to know my weight, so I take off my clothes, pee, and brush out my hair. I need this to be accurate. I can feel it like a compulsion as I zero the scales and mark the spot on the bathroom floor for future reference. I need to be thorough. I think my desperation over something like this would alarm me normally but something in the deep recesses of my mind overrode that and I gave over to it. I stepped onto the scales making sure my feet were perfectly aligned on the scale and stood perfectly still.

117.9lb! Shit I thought repeatedly in my mind. It's not good enough I think not pausing to wonder why, I hurry into my bedroom and put on my sport gear and brush my hair back into a messy ponytail. I run down stairs and tie the laces of my pristine white runners before skipping out the door to slip on the porch and jog into the rainy cold dark morning.

An hour later I find myself back to where I started. I was for better words, stuffed. I never knew exercise hated me that much. Right there and then I vowed to myself that I would change that. Charlie was leaning against the door frame with a scowl on his face. Crap. Think Bella think!

"Hey dad!" I say almost overenthusiastically. Take it down a notch Bella. Right I reply to myself.

"I'm sorry if I worried you. I-I I was awoken by a noise earlier and decided to try out my knew exercise gear." I replied letting innocence flood my tone. Charlie's expression thankfully had changed to a look of suppressed amusement. Okay that's better than a scowl. Now close the deal Bella I tell myself.

"What is so funny Dad?" I ask casually. Charlie chuckled before saying "I just didn't think you would actually go for a run, because you know..." I feel blush flood my cheeks which are already flushed. "Hey that was really hard" I whine playing along with it. "Is there something wrong with trying to be healthy? Do you want me to go back to the way I was because I thought this may be good for me..." I ask letting my voice trail off. Charlie looked slightly alarmed but quickly went onto say how proud he was for me to be finding such a "healthy coping mechanism" and some other stuff that sounded like blah blah blah to me. It also confirmed what I needed to know. Charlie was not worried anymore. I grinned and rushed upstairs to shower and get dressed in clothes that I decided to keep.

* * *

The school day went by painfully slow. But at least I was courageous enough to start socialising again. Jessica was wary and Lauren disgusted but apart from that Angela told me she was glad that I was back which made me feel like crying and smiling at the same time. Mike, Tyler and Eric were all too keen to enthusiastically launch into conversation with me. I guessed they still liked me and were keen to forget about my brief phase of zombie mode. Ben was with Angela so he made me feel noticed too. All the attention made me feel self-conscious knowing that I was still heavier than I used to be but that was soon forgotten once the final bell chimed.

I was luckily one of the first students out of the parking lot which meant I could get to the shopping mall quicker and indirectly meant I could be done with clothes shopping earlier. I decided on finding the basics I didn't bother with trying them on, I already knew what my size used to be. So I focused on getting size 2s and a few zeros just in case. My mind growled at my lack of determination; I usually dtest shopping for clothes with a passion. No I was getting size zeros for when I get there I reprimanded myself. I didn't get much I got a few pairs of low rise skinny jeans one pair was dark denim size 2 the other was a miniscule black pair size zero. I made a snap decision before I left to get a double zero, which my mind reluctantly let me think could be for a just in case. Somewhere deep in my mind however vowed that it would get me into the black pair of doubles zero skinny jeans. I barely noticed that though because I was too busy reluctantly picking out a few others size zero clothes that I would need once I had emptied my other clothes I no longer was going to keep into a good will bin.

When I came home I was exhausted and thirsty, so I found myself in the kitchen sipping iced water. I knew the amount of calories burned off from drinking iced water and although it figured to be a miniscule amount I couldn't help but drink it in hope that it would do something. You need all the help you can get my girl mind chirped, this time rather snidely. I internally growled at it to shut up for a bit. I saw a piece of paper on the faux marble counter. It was a note from Charlie which read:

_Out with Billy for the night,_

_I will be home for dinner tomorrow._

_Love Dad_

I scrunched it up into a funny shape before tossing it in the bin. This was good. Charlie obviously felt that I was okay enough to be left alone. Come to think of it Charlie hasn't spent more than a working days' worth of time away from me since... This was good and that is all that matters I thought. The last thing I needed was for that wretched hole to consume me again.

Before I knew it I had finished the glass of water and was dragging my sorry ass to my bedroom. The desk evilly beckoned me. I obliged by neatly arranging the little stationary I had in a little orange cup and pulled out my math homework. I could not help but groan when I finished only 20mins later. Now to move onto comparing Shakespeare and a modern day text for my English teacher. Groan this was going to take comparatively longer. And it did, almost 3hrs it took me to write a draft, proof read it and type it up then recheck it. I hated having things incomplete and the urge to complete things has been slowly increasing I have noticed. This pleased me for some odd undefineable reason.

* * *

I was minding my own business daydreaming, and the home phones annoying electronic ring rudely interrupted me, causing me to jump and fall out of my cheap desk chair. "Fucking phone... better be good..." I mumbled as I skipped down the stairs. It was Billy's home calling. I wonder what he wants. I thought as I picked up the phone. However I was pleasantly surprised by an enthusiastic voice.

"Bella, hi! It is me Jake!" Jacob Black idiotically said making me giggle like a little girl. Inspiration hit and I found myself cutting Jacob off. "Jake come over I am really lonely and it must be super boring hanging around Tipsy One and Two" I whined slash ordered slash begged. There was a brief pause before Jacob replied a hurried "Yes" then hung up. Wow Charlie and Billy either are really annoying or Charlie suggested he call, I figured it was predominantly the later but maybe a bit of annoying drunk dads helped.

I paced the kitchen as I waited for Jacob to arrive. I was excited. We hadn't hung out together for the longest of time. I found out that I missed him so much. I kept glancing at the clock and realised I missed dinner; oops I thought sarcastically. I knew skipping meals was wrong but dinner was the least worst if that made sense. I thanked god that I was not hungry. Oh crap what if Jake was hungry. Knowing him he wouldn't be satisfied until he ate a herd of elephants made out of either pizza or hot dogs. I laughed out loud at the idea but was caught mid laugh by Jacob banging loudly on the door.

"Hey Bel-"I jumped on him before he could finish and giggled childishly. For some reason I felt so happy I reminisced on the times we used to spend together and remembered how he always tried to get me to go for a run with him and any other ridiculously physical things like that, that he could think of; once he even showed me a group of older teenagers jumping from a cliff to see me scream in fear for their lives just to tell me it was a sport. I smiled inwardly because I found some new motivation and outwardly because Jacob was here. Shortly I realised I was laughing and could not stop to save my life. I looked up into Jakes black eyes and saw he sported a wicked grin. The bastard was tickling me!

I let rip a high pitched scream as if I was 5 all over again. Jacobs's expression faltered. He knew that was my battle cry. Now I was the one grinning wickedly. I ended up chasing him around the house throwing the couches cushions at him. Jacob retorted and we ran around the house acting like complete idiots until about 10pm. We still managed to sporadically laugh as we lent against each other on the couch. "I missed you." We said in unison which led to another 10 mins of laughing like dying cats.

"Oh Jake." He turned to face me. "I forgot to say hi so: Hi!" I wheezed. We both smiled and I slumped into the old comfy couch; Jacob got up and predictably went to the kitchen. I knew he was going to ask about food so I said there were flying saucers in the freezer and that he could help himself. "Want me to get you anything Bells?" Jacob said. I could already hear him unwrapping the god dam ice-cream. I wished I never bought them I thought quickly. "Just some diet coke thanks..." I replied.

Jacob returned with two ice creams one in his mouth the other in the left hand, and two tall plastic cups balanced over a 3l diet coke. Thank god for artificial sweeteners I thought as I skulled the first glass.

We both ended up playing super-smash-bros on the wii Charlie bought at Christmas in an attempt to cheer me up. I thanked him silently. I also relished how Jacob and I didn't need to talk to communicate. It meant we didn't have to bother with the boring chit-chat to catch up. I liked that he was a warm presence in my life that I could always rely on. We were best friends and I knew nobody could change that.

By the time it was midnight we were both sleep on legs. Jacob just crashed on the couch leaving me to wiggle out from underneath him. I felt slightly hungry but I pushed that feeling aside and went to bed. Only to be woken at 5am by Jacob and he wasn't even awake; his snores sounded like explosions despite him sleeping downstairs. I was so going to get him but not before I weighed myself. The bathroom tiles were cold and I could hear the steady pitter-patter of rain outside; typical Forks. I nervously prepared to get weighed. The usual; remove everything from person, pee then brush hair before aligning the scales in the exact position and zeroing it. I twiddled my thumbs and stepped on. 116.0lb flashed on the digital screen. I couldn't help but smiling. Not eating dinner seemed to have made all the difference. I gleefully skipped back to my bedroom and recorded my findings and my weight. Making my way downstairs as quietly as I could so not to wake Jacob, I slipped on my exercise gear and pounced.

Swear words I never even knew existed erupted from his mouth as he jumped up causing me to fly across the room laughing the whole way. Note to Bella, Jacob is a tank. It took him less than a minute to realise what had happened before he went onto making wise cracks. "Wholly shit Bella you look hilarious in the morning. Your hair is like one giant dreddy." He teased. "Oh is that how it is? I think you should leave" I mocked. I grabbed a brush I had left on the kitchen bench and quickly pulled my hair back into a pony tail. I honestly had no idea how or why my hair could get so messy, then again Jacob did throw me across the room.

"Jakey boy. I have my running gear on do you think you could beat me" I smiled wickedly; of course he could beat me. "Or would you like to go home?" I questioned and was answered by him sprinting out the door and onto the tracks in the forest near my house.

Bye the time we got back I was pressed for time to shower and get ready for school, so I only had time to gulp down the rest of the room temperature flat diet coke. My nutrition brain protested. Fuck nutrition, I replied then got on with showering and hurrying Jacob out of the house so I could get to school. Surprisingly I was early for school I felt almost content and the hole wasn't hurting me as badly as before. I sighed, turned off the engine and flipped down the mirror. My hair was mostly dry and hung limply, getting squished behind my back. I pulled it forward and brushed it carefully looking in the tiny mirror as I did. When I had finished I noticed that it almost touched my lap. I smiled; I have always liked having long hair. I quickly got out my exercise book out and wrote under a page I titled goals; "let hair grow longer". Once I noticed more people arriving I stuffed the book into the glove box and pulled my hair back into a high ponytail.

My first classes went by quickly. I felt really focused today and even surprised the teachers by asking and answering questions. Jessica had also seemed to have forgiven me, I just suspected it was because the boys were paying attention to me again. Lauren however remained her usual blonde bitchy self. Some things never change I thought with a sigh. She even had the nerve to comment on how I let myself go, and even rudely joked at pregnancy. Thankfully her attempt at ruining my friendship statuses I just recently acquired back went unnoticed. I poked my tongue out at her when no one was looking, sending her into shocked silence.

Lunch rolled around far too quickly. I found myself thinking of ways to not eat despite my knowledge. However an inner voice chided to me about how one meal skipped won't hurt. It hinted at how much weight I lost just by skipping dinner; I knew it was because I hardly ate all day but for some reason I found myself bowing to the voice. That slightly alarmed me at this strange new intrusive way of thinking as I bought a bottle of mineral water and an apple when my turn came around for picking up lunch. No one questioned me they just seemed enthused that I was speaking to them again.

Biology was painful but I got through and into PE. Mike seemed almost manically enthused to be my partner again. Coach Clap however was stunned into muteness once she witnessed me applying myself like never before. I told myself it was because I wanted to get an A+ but deep down a voice egged me so I would just burn more calories. I was buggered when school ended and just trudged up to the bathroom and prepared a bubble bath. That tinny voice tried to intervene by saying how I was meant to go off on a run or at least do some light stretches but I ignored it and enjoyed the bubble bath, letting my skin turn crinkly and the water cold before I pulled myself out.

I looked in the mirror before pulling my towel over my naked body and turned on my side. I liked the way my stomach was looking just from not eating it had receded which made me smile and the little voice cheer. My smile didn't last as my eyes travelled over my body. I kept finding faults I never knew were there or just did not care about. The imperfections stood out to me though the more I found them. Sort of like when you notice a line is slightly crooked in a drawing then all you can see is the crooked line instead of the drawing. Except in my case it was my body which I hastily covered up with baggy clothes. If I wasn't so tired I would have been appalled by my thinking but I ignored it and flopped on my bed. I told myself just ten minutes then I will do dinner and finish off today's homework but I drifted into blankness then sleep.

* * *

Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.

"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt. He took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving."

I took a deep breath too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask. "Why now? Another year- "

I gulped in air trying to suppress inevitable panic. Edward continued to stare at me whilst leaning against the tree. This bugged me. Why is he staring at me? I wonder and look down at my hands, my body and legs before twisting around to view my backside. I don't get it do I have bird crap in my hair I wonder.

I look up at Edward confused, pleading for answers. He sighs impatiently and reaches behind the tree. He indicates for me to look at it. It is a full length mirror. So what's so special about that? I think. What am I not seeing?

Edward rubs his temple frustrated and indicates for me to look at the mirror.

I suppress a scream. I hold my breath and shake my head furiously. There is a stranger staring back she is very plump, and has my eyes and hair. I look down at my hands and touch my face. I am huge. When did this happen I wonder shocked. I feel sick and disgusted I have got to get out. The green surroundings once again morph into my room.

"Bella! Bella are you alright honey? Are you awake?" Charlie's slightly concerned voice drifts into focus as does his face. "What time is it? I'll-go-and make um dinner now." I slur rather than state.

"Bella you slept right through dinner. And I just wanted to see if you were right to go to school." School... "Oh crap!" I shout jumping from my bed only to fall into Charlie. "Bella are you alright honey?" Charlie asks whilst gingerly supporting my weight. "Yeah I am fine I guess I was just really tired. Did you know I actually managed to score in PE yesterday?" I gush out randomly. Charlie chuckled and walked off to get ready for work. I goofily smiled and went to the bathroom to weigh myself and got on with the rest of the day.

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Authors Note: I am trying to link Bella's potential disorder in with Edward leaving. The dream started off as an almost direct quote from the book when Edward really was leaving Bella in the forest but it morphs over time to symbolically reflect her emotional unease. Sorry about the soft ending to the chapter but the last sentance sort of has multiple meanings; hinting at the start of normalisation of an abnormal behaviour I hope is one of them.

**Once again Read and Review; comments, criticism and praise is wanted/welcomed!**


	4. Chapter THREE

**I don't own Twilight Series.**

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**Chapter Three:**

Three weeks had past. And I was adamant about giving into the little voice. I had reached a platue in weight. I was stuck at around 113 to 114lb which bugged me so I caved to the voice letting it tell me what to do most of the time. My size two clothes fit me again but I was determined to get to size zero.

It was the Friday morning after I decided to let the voice tell me what to do and I resisted weighing myself so the full impact of what I was doing could be seen. It was hard not to weigh myself every morning even for just a week, well more like four days; it had become sort of an obsession and compulsion rolled into one. That didn't surprise me, it was easy for me to fall into a pattern and I guess weighing myself and going for a run was just another part of my pattern. I was breathing fast and had to take a deep breath before I got onto the scale. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment then slowly opened them and looked down at the scale.

109.8lb

I stood there shocked looking at the screen I lost over a kilogram; I lost almost 4 freaking pounds!

I did a little whoop and slipped in my excitement on the way to the shower. I would have taken my time allowing for the strawberry shampoo and conditioner to sink in but I was too excited I really wanted to admire my achievement. I decided I would treat myself and actually bother with my hair. I combed it with a wide tooth comb whilst blow-drying it even straighter than imaginable. I also rubbed a bit of hair moisturiser into the ends to keep my hair smooth in Forks' humid weather.

Excitedly I let my towel drop and looked in the full length mirror in the bathroom.

I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I really didn't look like I wanted.

_Not yet_ the voice said trying to comfort me; well the 'voice' wasn't really a voice I had decided over the past week, it was more like a feeling or a thought or a strange indescribable combination of both but I also decided it should still be referred to as 'the voice' until further investigation on my part.

I mean I did like how I had obviously gotten smaller and I still looked slim. Heck I even could see a feint outline of definition on my abdominals and there was now a triangle gap at the top of my thighs. But I could still see problems. I still looked healthy and normal but I didn't like that on me it suited other people but I just hated me. I inspected my thighs; they still touched and jiggled. My arms had that thing that looks like a bum when you let them fall to your sides. That was on just about everyone on the planet but it looks just plain gross on me.

_Rosalie wouldn't have that_ my girl voice inferred.

Thanks for that she is not even human but I guess there are a select few who do not look like that... Argg! I hated this no wonder Edward couldn't stand to be around me. The Cullen's were the epitome of perfection and I was a disgustingly plain human. The only thing I liked was my hair which was almost long enough to sit on when I tilted my head backwards. I am never cutting my hair I vowed as I angrily marched to my room.

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I sat down at my desk that afternoon after school and pulled out my exercise book to re-evaluate my goals and progress. I needed to lose faster and for that I needed a plan and goals. Hmm... I thought as I drew up a margin and wrote down the page in red: Current Weight, Goal One, Goal two, Goal Three and so on. Then in blue I answered all the way till Goal three. 109.8lb, 105lb, 100lb, 95lb...

After that I called Jacob, demanding he come over with his homework so we could hang out together.

"Jake!" I screeched when I heard his newly acquired motorbike park in front of my house. Charlie jumped slightly in his chair and tried to cover it up by standing so he could "greet" Jacob. I was bouncing on the balls of my feet waiting for him to open the door and promptly fell over just as he opened it.

"Hey Jake short time no see." Charlie lamely greeted.

I rolled my eyes and smiled up at Jacob who was at least 6'4" by now.

"What are you doing on the ground Bells? You know I may be short but I am not that short." Jacob exclaimed whilst pulling me to my feet. God-dam tall person. I replied to him by mockingly punching his forearm.

"I'll leave you two to it" Charlie said as he reassumed his spot to watch some game on television. I made my move and pushed Jacob back out the door whilst grabbing my now dirty runners.

"Let's go for a run." I enthused. Jacob must have known I was going to ask because he stripped off his tee-shirt and jeans to reveal a bare torso and lose fitting shorts.

I loved to run at dusk it felt surreal as Jacob and I kept up a steady pace. I found out not to long ago that I had a knack for running which was surprising considering how clumsy and unfit I was. It was still hard to keep up with Jacob who I was pretty sure was being easy on me. Jacob did not seem to mind and loved teaching me better techniques. I think he partly liked spending time with me since I had suddenly become interested in exercise. I felt kind of guilty though because I first started this whole thing so I could burn more energy off. But all the same I loved being around Jacob; he held me intact and the hole was less noticeable now because of him.

Trees whipped past us as we weaved around the tracks in the forest; it was fun, every now and then a delighted laugh escaped me. Jacob looked over at me with a smile on his face. I suddenly felt self conscious. I must look a mess with ruby red cheeks and sweat glistening on my forehead. I staggered to a stop and sat down on a log where rays of light still enabled us to see. I patted next to me and Jacob joined. I being my usual clumsy self fell off when the log moved under his weight.

We sat there in silence for I don't know how long just enjoying the cool air and each other's company. By the time the sun had set the light had dimmed so much that Jacob had to hold my hand and lead the way to the road. I fell over a couple of times and consequently grazed me knees and hands; I felt like a toddler as he held my hand all the way back home.

Once back I had a quick shower and got changed into pjs. Jacob looked so tired, as I gave him a spare towel and his change of clothes as he headed upstairs to shower. Charlie sat on the couch mesmerised by the game of whatever sport he was watching. There was a large meat lover's pizza on the coffee table in front of him, two slices were already missing. I eyed them. Normally I would be all over the greasy, salty substance covering that high calorie bread, but I just stood there for a moment staring at it. Yuck I bet one slice would be almost 800cal; my stomach did flip flops at the thought.

_Besides you are a worthless piece of shit, you don't deserve that pizza._

I gulped and stood there as the voice prattled on about it. I eventually agreed with the voice. I knew I would not need a plan because that part of me, that voice, would not lead me astray; I trusted her as she comforted me. The plan was pretty much skip dinner, every night and then skip lunch most days. I had already stopped eating junk food without even realising it so that rule of my new plan was a given.

Jacob bounded down the stairs he still looked a little too hot from the exercise making me frown at him.

"Jake are you feeling alright?" I ask trying to hide concern as I hand him a bottle of blue Gatorade and retrieve a 2L bottle of chilled water for myself.

"Yeah Bells. You worry too much. Now let's kick Charlie off the couch so I can beat you at super-smash-bros again." I would have slapped him but he must have sensed I was worried because he squeezed me and pecked me on the forehead before heading into the lounge room.

Before I could even walk into the lounge room Charlie walked out. I was about to ask if Jacob could sleep over but Charlie beat me to it. "Bells Jacob can sleep over if you want, just make sure you put the empty pizza box in the bin before you guys fall asleep."

I kissed him goodnight and silently thanked him. Charlie seemed to like having Jacob around, probably because it made him happy that Jacob made me happy. Jacob and I had become really close again over the past weeks. We acted like children and would always have sleepovers almost every weekend night. Luckily, tomorrow I wasn't needed at work so I looked forward to enjoying the day lounging around with Jacob.

Jacob had already set up the Wii by the time I walked in. I rolled my eyes at his goofy expression whilst I unfolded the lounge bed and made the bed which Jacob thankfully didn't mess up as he sat down. He must have sensed that untidy things bugged me more than usual. He thought it was funny but still was considerate. I on the other hand didn't even notice when those sorts of little things started to bug me so much. I leaned into Jacobs's massive chest to get comfortable. If it was any other guy I would have felt too self conscious being in my pjs around them with no bra on, after all large c-cups that almost required a d-cup were not exactly subtle, but Jacob and I were best friends and our love for each other went beyond those trivial things like feeling self conscious. After all I had grown up with him running around topless on First beach together.

When Jacob offered me a slice of pizza I gracefully declined, content to sip on my water.

"No thanks, besides I know you Jacob. You could probably eat at least four large pizzas. You have the rest." I urged. Jacob didn't even give it a second thought; he probably didn't know that all I had today was a bowl of cereal with skim milk and an apple for lunch. Although it still felt like I was lying to him, making an excuse not to eat when I should be hungry; I reassured myself with the fact that Jacob really would eat four large pizzas if they were around. I tried to think of it as me being gracious. Still a niggling sense of unease washed over me as I turned off the Wii and went up stairs to bed as Jacobs snores echoed down the hall.

* * *

I looked at my watch as I lay in bed unable to sleep.

2am. Great, now what? I asked myself.

I ended up writing a list of things to buy. I felt guilty for not eating enough; my nutrition brain had been all narky for the past few days and that coupled with Charlie's and Jacob's snores prevented me from sleeping. I wracked my brain which wasn't too hard considering how tired I was; I wanted to compare all the nutrients I was getting verses what my body required. For starters I looked at the micronutrients; I just started my period a couple of hours ago which reminded me of my iron requirements. The average teenage girl and woman need 16mg and I was getting maybe 5mg at most; I wrote down iron tablets 5mg and vitamin-C to help absorb it and keep away sickness. I knew if you were losing weight you are more likely to get sick which I didn't want.

After half an hour I had wrote down on the list: iron, vitamin-c, multivitamin, B vitamin tablets, caltrate and caffeine, make up and go see a gp for the pill. However I realised I ended up putting on the makeup and caffeine for my personal benefit not necessarily my body's and I wanted the pill. Most girls would think that strange unless you were having sex or had really bad acne because it can make you gain weight. But I realised that if I lost my period or it went irregular as my weight drops I would become at risk of getting osteoporosis. That is the last thing I need to be; an even weaker more pathetic human than I already am. With that my nutrition qualms were put to rest and I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up later that morning to none other than the sound of rain. I lazily rubbed my temples and throat which were pounding. Ugh I better not be getting sick. I groaned, I would have to have a break from running today. Maybe that extra bit of rest time will help I thought as I made my way once again to the bathroom. I just will have to duck out while Jacob is sleeping. Knowing him he won't wake up till at least twelve noon.

I almost punched the mirror.

I weighed 109.4lb. I only lost 0.4lb.

_That is pathetic_ I screamed silently at myself.

I showered cold to teach my pathetic body a lesson and to wake it up. I looked in the mirror. My long hair pleased me though. I might wear it out to school on Monday; people have commented on how my hair has gotten longer but I have mostly been wearing it up so no one has seen my hair out yet. That made me smile. At least one thing about me I could see beauty in.

I still felt like hitting something as I plaited my hair once I finished drying it. But when I was brushing my teeth something caught my eye in the full length mirror hanging off the bathroom door. There was a feint indication that there are hipbones, buried beneath my female fat. That made me calm down enough to quietly exit the house and come back with everything I needed bar the pill.

Luckily no one is awake on a Saturday morning in the town of Forks so when I ducked into the Pharmacy I didn't have to wait in line and I could dawdle looking at the various components of the supplements so I could decide on the ones I wanted. I ended up getting caltrate 600mg, iron 6mg, vitamin-C 500mg, caffeine, electrolyte sachets 0cal and the multi vitamin which had ample amounts of the b vitamins. I even picked up some black mascara, liquid and pencil eyeliner and a bunch of other stuff. Well to me it seemed like a bunch of stuff but to a normal girl it would still be considered not enough.

* * *

Jacob and Charlie were already up by the time I got back, unfortunately they were cooking bacon and eggs.

"Hi Bells do you want some honey?" Charlie asked gesturing to the greasy salty food otherwise known as bacon; I mentally gagged. But for a split second I paused; the smell the sight the calories disgusting me the whole time. Think Bella.

"Um no thanks Dad I had something to eat when I ducked out..." Charlie was satisfied with the answer. Phew.

I sidled onto a stool next to Jacob. My legs didn't even touch the foot rest let alone the floor, Jacob's on the other hand rested comfortably outstretched in front of him on the floor. I sipped black tea and took the pills I recently acquired, except the caffeine. Jacob and Charlie ate in semi silence talking every now and then about some car model I had no idea about which left me to zone out.

I looked over at Jacob once Charlie departed and escorted his plate away with him. Jacobs's plate still had food on it. That wasn't like him. He looked rather hot and flushed. I started to worry.

"Jake are you okay? You look like you have a fever and you haven't eaten your breakfast." I knew I wasn't one to talk because I haven't even consumed any food today but that didn't stop me placing a hand on his forehead.

"Shit Jacob you are burning up! Why didn't you say anything?" I scolded beginning to panic.

"Bells it is okay I am fine." Jacob tried to explain weakly. I scowled and guided him to the couch which was still a bed and ordered him to relax, I on the other hand felt very anxious, almost too anxious. Charlie walked in on me fumbling in the kitchen, clearly noticing me panicking. Before he could open his mouth to ask what was wrong I blurted out: "Jacob... Fever... help?"

A terrible groan could be heard coming from Jacob causing Charlie and I to rush to his side. Jacob's eyes were shut tight and he was clutching his head in what could only be agony.

"Dad. Do something!" I screeched. Charlie was already on it and had lifted Jacob to his feet hissing with the effort. I tried to help support Jacob as best I could as we walked to Charlie's police cruiser.

"It is okay Jacob do you want to go home or do you think you need to go to the hospital?" I asked trying to soothe him by patting his head which was lying in my lap in the back seats.

"No!"

"No what Jake?"

"No hospitals please... take me... to... Billy... home..." Jacob hissed and gasped out as he tossed and turned in my lap. Charlie looked over at him and quickly flicked on his sirens. For a human Charlie could drive extremely well, he was pushing his cruiser over 80 even as we reached the bendy bits in the road.

We were at Billy's house in no time. I went to help Jacob out of the car but toppled into the mud just as Charlie caught Jacob. Billy was predictably in his wheel chair on the front porch looking down at us concerned. We were dripping wet and I was slightly shivering. I realised I was only wearing track pants and a baggy top.

Billy said "I can handle Jacob from here" before he hurriedly went inside, Jacob already stumbling in, slamming the door in our faces. I was slightly shocked but shook it off with slight difficulty as Charlie reassured me that Billy knew what he was doing. "Bells Billy knows what he is doing. Come on you look like you are freezing. Let's get you home..."

All day I was twitching and pacing. Charlie tried without luck to calm me down but failed and ended up watching some crap daytime show whilst cleaning his gun and polishing his leather police gear. I wanted to call but Charlie talked me out of it.

"Jacob probably has a twenty four hour thing, he needs rest Bells call him later tonight."

So that is what I did. I waited all day, I didn't bother eating; I wasn't hungry anyway. I continued pacing and organising and reorganising clothes books and anything else I could.

_Why was I getting so worried_ I questioned. _What if he realises he doesn't want me either? Just like... just like..._ I gasped for air and clutched my chest the hole was tearing me up. My heart seemed to beat too fast for me to keep up with as I lay on my bed rolled up in a ball.

The electronic ringing of our phone promptly snapped me out of it. I rushed down the stairs tripping the whole way down, ignoring the slight dizziness from getting up too fast. I briefly looked at my watch it is 5:34pm maybe Jake is feeling better after all I hoped as I picked up the phone.

"Hi" I squeaked.

"Bella it is me Billy Black." My heart sank it wasn't Jacob. I started to worry.

"Is Jacob alright?" I rudely blurted out before I could stop myself.

"Um yes and no Bella. You see I think it would be best if you didn't call for a few days Jake seems really knocked up and I want him to rest."

I swallowed hard digesting Billy's words.

"Okay. Does Jacob need me to bring him anything? He drove his motor bike here and he still has his homework and clothes in a bag which we forgot to bring with us. I suppose I could bring them around..." I was speaking quickly; I was rambling and getting scared.

"No Bella I will get Sam to come and get his stuff. Don't come around. I'll get Jacob to call when he is feeling better." Billy's voice was firm, almost threatening.

"Bye Bella." He said and hung up. I felt as though Billy was being unreasonable but then again I knew I was even though I didn't want to admit that to anyone including myself, so I just went about my business for the rest of the afternoon. I fell asleep before I could even start on making dinner.

* * *

I reluctantly awoke from a dead sleep the next morning. The sky outside my window sported many gray clouds; it was overcast. The lack of rain would have normally cheered me up. My homework was also finished before Jacob came over, that also would have normally cheered me up. But the prospect of not seeing Jacob and being all alone in the house all day bothered me. I looked over at my watch on the bedside table. It read 7:45am.

Why can't I just sleep in till dinner like Jacob? Why do you have to be sick Jake I hope you are okay... I thought as I stepped on the scales; 107.1lb at least one thing is going right.

I looked in the mirror as I stepped into the shower turning on the heat full blast. My thighs still touched. _Grrr. _I punched myself in the stomach as hot water rushed over me. Muddy water swirled around the drain with the sweet scent of my strawberry shampoo. I sat down on the floor and started to shave after I loaded my hair with conditioner. I nicked myself and flinched as I watched the red blood merge with the water. _Stupid weak skin. _I thought bitterly as I rinsed the conditioner from my hair before I dried myself then got changed into baggy trackies and a blue top.

Charlie was already eating breakfast and looked over his shoulder as I lazily made my way downstairs; his face fell slightly. Fuck, am I really that obvious?

"Bella if you are worrying about Jake that won't help. Please try for me not to worry. I plan on going to the station today but I can stay here if you want." Charlie hesitantly said.

_Yeah right you mean if you need me to stay not if I want you to stay_ I thought.

"I'll try for you Dad. But you know me. I will be okay I think I will do some laundry today anyways it will be pointless for you to hang around here." I explained as I pulled up a chair sipping some of his disgusting coffee which was almost empty and fairly cold.

"How can you drink this?" I mocked and got up to take my pills. That reminded me to make an appointment with a doctor. The pills went down easily as I drank cold water with them and chewed on the orange flavoured vitamin-C. They reminded me of orange candies as I chewed on one, except this gave me nutrients and didn't have any calories because it is sugarless. I smiled. I would much rather produce expensive urine than get fat.

Charlie was up and had joined me in the kitchen; I took the opportunity to ask about something without really asking. "Dad do you have Dr Gerandy's work number? And also do you know if he still is allowed to practice as a psychiatrist?" I asked formulating a plan if needed.

"Um sure Bells." Charlie seemed a bit taken aback as he wrote the number down on a scrap piece of paper and slid it across the counter. "I thought you seemed to be doing okay. Should I be worried?" Charlie asked awkwardly with worry in his tone. _Shit should have thought of that Bella._

"Dad I am coping I just wanted to ask about some concentration problems I have been having with school work. That's all nothing to worry about Dad. In fact I have been doing great ever since that talk." I said with certainty which reassured Charlie and he visibly relaxed.

_Tell people what they want to here with even the slightest dash of truth, but no lying, and they will believe you till the cows come home._

"Okay that is great I'll be off but I won't be home for dinner there is something that needs to be attended to at the station, so just eat without me." He gave my arm a rub and walked towards the door. "Bye Dad. I love you." I said and almost instantly turned tomato red glad that Charlie had turned around and was already out the door.

An hour later I had done all of our laundry and had just set the drying machine for another hour on medium. I heard a knock at the door I wasn't expecting anyone and it cannot be Charlie because he already has a key. I opened the door to see a very tall young Indian man that looked incredibly familiar.

"Hi Bella I am Sam Uley. I am here for Jacob's stuff." He said it with so much authority that I forgot to say hello and just said "Yeah wait a sec' I'll get it from my room." I ran with haste, miraculously not tripping, and returned with Jacob's stuff.

"Here you go." I mumbled. Sam turned around and walked over to Jacob's black motorcycle. He didn't even say good bye. I remembered Sam Uley but where we met in the forest on that-that day was too painful to reminisce on. I also wondered how he got here because there was no sign of another vehicle.

The rest of the day dragged by at a snail's pace; except this snail had manacles attached. I had booked an appointment for the doctor on Monday at lunch time meaning I would get off school early but also mean that I would miss gym class. But I knew that it would be worth it in the end. I could still feel a slight tingling in my throat and cussed inwardly. I don't want to be sick which means no exercise again; at least it isn't as bad as before.

I spent the rest of my waking hours reading articles on the internet about being healthy and losing weight whilst sipping warm milk, skim obviously, and with honey dissolved into it to sooth my throat. When the sun had set and my tummy rumbled in a pleading manor I actually bothered having something that resembled dinner; a can of tuna and a slice of wholemeal bread. I thought I should treat myself and had a flying saucer well the last one left after Jacob ate them all. I wondered how he was doing as I savoured every bite knowing I could not allow myself to buy more, after all I had bought them to treat myself I might as well have the last one. _Before putting my foot on the accelerator for weight loss._

My stomach got slightly bloated from the shock of having food that was so calorie rich being taken. _Fuck me._ I decided I would not weigh myself tomorrow morning because the doctor would anyway but I also decided not to eat anything until after the doctor appointment.

**

* * *

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Once again I am sorry for the lame ending to the chapter. When I said caltrate in the vitamins list it is a brand for calcium supplements in Australia and I don't know if they have it in the USA (which I am going back to so I can see my family).

**Sorry if this chapter isn't as well put together, I sort of rushed editing process. Oh and the italic phrases I wish I did that in the previous chapters, I think they will represent the voice and Bella's destructive thoughts. And sorry about the part where she asks about the doctor's phone number, I don't think I put that section together very well.**

**I also decided to make Jacob a really close friend and sort of remove the sexual tension that is in the books because writing about Bella's love and eating disorder will probably result in a very complicated plot line. Besides I like it when they are good friends and Jacob does cute stuff like peck her on the forehead =P**

**BTW: the thing with the voice in Bella's head isn't really a voice, I know for some that suffer an eating disorder that happens and others it doesn't but for Bella, and a lot of other people(such as myself and others I have known), it is like an intense feeling that drives thought into words. Like she feels what the voice is saying rather that hearing the voice say it to her in her mind. Does that make sense? Eating disorders can be confusing as hell to understand if you haven't had one so comment and ask anything you want.**

**Read, Review; praise, criticism and comments are much appreciated!**


	5. Chapter FOUR

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight.**

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**Chapter Four:**

Once again it was overcast on Monday I noted as I hoped in the shower and treated my hair to a full three minute conditioning and towel dried it patting out the moisture carefully before I pulled it back into a messy loose bun; I chickened out of wearing my hair out again. I even took the time to exfoliate, cleanse and moisturise my face and moisturise my body focussing on the legs and hands which were particularly dry compared to the rest of me. It felt odd not weighing myself but I knew it would feel unbearable if I weighed myself after consuming more than a carefully measured cup of water with my pills. So that is why I was bothering to 'semi-pamper' myself; to distract me from the oddity which it did.

I heard Charlie yell a hurried good bye up the stairs before he left. I was actually thinking about what to wear as I stood in front of my cupboard looking in the partially open mirror sliding door. Eventually I settled on my new size zero black skinny jeans and an oversized grey puffy jumper over a white skivvy. I felt very proud of myself I had achieved a size zero, although being snug they did fit which made me smile; maybe I could get into a double zero if I try really hard after today. I still hated the flaws I could see but I loved how you could see the tips of my hipbones and collar bone now.

My confidence was further increased when I got to my first class and found out I got an A+ on my English essay. The next class, Government delivered further reassuring news I got an A on my recent quiz. By the time I had trudged into Trigonometry I thought my luck would run out but was almost given a heart attack when I got back A+ on the most recent test.

Jessica was her usual bubbly self around me and chatted nonstop until the lunch bell went as I sat doodling on my Spanish homework. I gave her a quick hug and waved good bye but not before she complimented me on how gorgeously slim I looked which left me smiling the whole way to my truck. Even when I went to administration to sign out for the day I couldn't help but smile. The fact that Ms Cope also complimented me on my way out the door just may have kept it plastered there as I got in the cab of my big red truck and cranked up the heat.

* * *

I had to drive for a while to find the parking lot I was supposed to use. The air was crisp and felt nice against my clean and clear face. I walked into the hospital and embarrassingly had to ask this gorgeous model of a nurse for directions to Dr Gerandy's office. I self consciously smoothed my jumper and fiddled with the sleaves as I took a seat and waited for Dr Gerandy to call me into his office.

I briefly looked at a magazine, slightly entranced by the models that were actually naturally thin. I knew there were not many people like that but I had become a self taught expert on which models that had to work for their lithe builds and the lucky ones who ate like an army and still were gorgeous.

I felt kind of odd because I normally would never be caught dead pawing through a fashion and/or women's' magazine. But what made me feel odd the most was how I didn't give a flying bats crap about what the articles had to lie about or how this was 'in' or this was that much money or blah blah blah. I only looked at them to look at the people in them not caring who the people are or what the people are wearing.

"Isabella Swan?" an old yet friendly familiar voice inquired. I looked up at Dr Gerandy. He was the same as I remember from childhood except there was far more wrinkles and his hair that was once black was now completely gray. Dr Gerandy smiled and his steal blue eyes sparkled. I put down the magazine and stumbled into his office.

It wasn't the same one that I used to go to it was bigger and had more fancy new equipment. The desk was large and oak coloured; there were two black cushiony chairs on one side and on the other a bigger black leather chair faced the other two chairs and a shiny new computer. There was still the once cherished jar of jelly beans and the odd painting of a flock of ducks. At least I knew he was the same, I hate it when people change so completely that they are almost unrecognisable, just being in the room was conformation enough for me to know that he was the same person deep down.

"I see your wonderful coordination has improved." Dr Gerandy joked lamely and closed the whitewash door. I smiled despite myself. "Long time no see Bella. How about I perform a quick check up before we begin." I nodded in response.

Dr Gerandy listened to my heart, recorded my blood pressure and took my temperature.

"Now Bella would you please stand up straight over there." He indicated and I obliged.

"5 feet 4 inches" I heard him mutter and type it into the computer.

"Now please step on the scales." I internally gulped I had been waiting all morning to know this and despite only drinking water and going to the bathroom I wanted to be reassured it had not gone up I wanted it to drop. This thinking slightly scared me but I wasn't in the mood to care I just want to know how much I weighed, it was almost a need if I bothered to pay attention to it.

My heart thumped as I shakily stepped onto the scales and waited as Dr Gerandy adjusted it to get a reading. "One hundred and five point seven pounds" (yay!) "That is a bit skinny for your age but nothing abnormal. Your vitals are perfect so there is nothing to worry about. Now would you care to explain your problem and why you are here?" Dr Gerandy asked smiling, his tone caring.

Half an hour later I was saying my goodbyes to Dr Gerandy and was carrying a slip of paper with two prescriptions filled out. I looked down and read them just to make sure; I seemed to like reassurance even more than usual as of late even with other more mundane matters. One prescription for Juliet 35 Ed (the pill) and the other Ritalin 5mg.

I knew I could count on Dr Gerandy to prescribe the Ritalin. He was my doctor as a child and I was taking Ritalin for a little while under his care because I suffered from mild to moderate ADD. I just explained to him how I think I was starting to experience some difficulties with my ADD again and he was more than willing to prescribe the Ritalin for me to use in the afternoon when my concentration was at its lowest; in truth my concentration had been playing up lately.

Once I got home I read the back of the pill's package carefully; I had to start it when I was having my period luckily for me I only started it the night when I was thinking about my body's iron requirements. I popped it into my mouth and put away the rest of my medication with the diet supplements I was taking. With that I forced myself to finish all of my homework I had gotten which wasn't a lot.

* * *

The afternoon dragged. I couldn't stop pacing as Jacob's pained face came to mind; I really hoped he was okay. I jumped up and down on the spot every now and then wondering what to do for dinner and ended up deciding to make a chicken and avocado salad with a side of bread rolls; I really wasn't in the mood to bother with cooking food. I went to the fridge and pulled out the necessary ingredients thanking myself for cooking extra chicken.

Charlie walked in the door just as I finished laying out the food on the table. He appreciatively patted me on the back before moving off to rinse and get changed before dinner. Suddenly inspiration hit. I hurriedly forked out the food I wanted which did not include any avocado and very little chicken I didn't want to risk any of those extra calories especially from all the fat in the avocado. I then quickly ripped off a bite and a half worth of bread roll then threw the rest of it in the bin and started to move the salad around my plate and opened the margarine to make it looked like I had taken some. Not that I expected Charlie to ever question what I was doing I just would rather be safe than sorry. Besides I thought to myself I really don't feel like eating when Jake could be suffering; it was pathetic but my justification worked and my sanity gave a reluctant nod indicating that it approved. However I did feel guilty for wasting food perhaps I could ask Charlie about getting a puppy or some chickens. Gulp chicken.

Charlie pulled his chair out making a loud scaping noise which made me jump. "Whoa Bells a bit jumpy aye?" Charlie chuckled then mumbled something about eating rabbit food which I insisted was a balanced but light and healthy meal. Charlie just rolled his eyes and I prattled on about nutrition for a bit. Normally we don't chat but I just felt so passionate about the topic; I was genuinely interested. Charlie sat there nodding every now and then looking confused when I went into too much scientific detail. I blushed when I realised I must have bored him to tears.

"Sorry Dad if I bored you. It is just that I have been learning about all this stuff and I have always been interested... but the point is I am sorry." I blurted out as Charlie got up and took his dishes to the kitchen. I felt a wave of guilt; I was being selfish by talking about things that didn't interest Charlie.

"Bella I think it is great that you have found an interest. It just shows me that you are finding some enjoyment in life. I got to admit if it was anyone else talking about this stuff I would have departed after the first mention of enzymes and all of that other scientific mumble jumbo. But you are my daughter and I am happy when you are happy and am interested when you are interested. I love you Bella and just want you to be happy and healthy." Charlie embraced me and went slightly red himself before making his way predictably to the lounge room. I still felt slightly guilty though.

That was one of the longest most sentimental speeches Charlie had ever given me. I smiled. He actually supported me in my interests. Despite feeling guilty I felt very loved at that moment relishing the fuzzy feeling for the rest of the evening. Studying extra was a breeze when I felt this way and by the time I had gone ahead of the class in all my subjects the clock downstairs chimed; my watch read 11pm. I suddenly felt very tired realising this but very happy that I had studied nonstop after dinner so I walked into the bathroom with my pjs and got ready for bed.

On the way back down the wooden hallway to my bedroom my baggy track pants fell down causing me to rush into my bedroom and look in the closet door mirror.

Cool I have to tighten my pants.

The massive white tee-shirt I was wearing luckily covered my bright red underwear that had been exposed when the almost useless grey pants started to fall down. Slightly jostled I stared around at my room nothing was out of place but the pale sky blue walls were bare and the whitewash wooden door was too. I huffed as I looked at the polished wooden floor that squeaked too much and decided I was going to put a bit of me into this room the second I get the chance after school tomorrow.

* * *

Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable. Jacob was beside him with a scowl on his face staring at me too.

"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt. Jacob and Edward took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving." The pair said in unison. I shuddered at the bizarre situation.

I took a deep breath too. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask. "Why?"

I gulped in air trying to suppress inevitable panic. Edward continued to stare at me whilst leaning against the tree. This bugged me. Why are they staring at me? I wonder and look down at my hands, my body and legs before twisting around to view my backside. I don't get it do I have bird crap in my hair I wonder.

I look up at Edward confused, and then I turned to Jacob pleading for answers. Both of them sighed impatiently and reach behind the tree. Edward indicates for me to look at it. It is a full length mirror. So what's so special about that? I think. What am I not seeing?

Edward rubs his temple frustrated and indicates for me to look at the mirror. Jacob huffs impatiently.

I suppress a scream. I hold my breath and shake my head furiously. There is a stranger staring back she is very plump, and has my eyes and hair. I look down at my hands and touch my face. I am huge. When did this happen I wonder shocked. I feel sick and disgusted I have got to get out. Then the worst words were spoken by Jacob and Edward in unison.

"We do not want you." It was said with such conviction that I gasped for air as my surroundings swirled before my eyes.

The green surroundings once again morph into my room.

I can't help but cry and rock back and forth in a foetal position atop my bed covers.

They don't want me. _Who would want you?_

Pain from my hole erupts and I slide off my bed and sprint desperately to the bathroom. I feel so nauseous as the cool tiles swirl before my eyes. Blinking furiously to push away the tears was futile as I locked the door and slide to the floor. I clutch my arms tightly to my chest trying to make the nausea go away but found myself dry heaving noisily over the toilet bowl.

After regaining control I strip down and go to the toilet then quickly zero the scales, straighten it to align perfectly where it is supposed to and then step on disgusted at myself; my body.

105.0lb stared at me and I backed away not wanting to see a number I had already committed it to memory so that I could record it in my exercise book.

Once back in my room it only just dawned on me that it was still dark outside and I also noted that I was exactly at my first goal as I wrote it down in the book I had now dubbed black book. I picked up my watch and put it on my left wrist; it is 4:36am. I stood there dumbfounded for a moment.

_Go exercise if you want to be loved_ the voice and girl mind chided, encouraging me kindly.

I looked outside again unsure if it was raining or not, as I pulled on my exercise clothes.

_Just do it you need it, it will be good for you._ The voice encouraged warmly like a parent almost.

Okay I thought but decided to start by doing a light jog around the house followed by one hundred sit-ups and thirty lunges both sides then twenty push ups. I wanted my body to burn all the stored glucose in my muscles so when I start running I will be burning fat.

Half an hour later I found myself pushing really hard running at a speed I never achieved before. It was so nice to be enveloped by this distraction that I found myself wanting more. I put the extra speed down to losing almost 15lbs. I loved the feeling of getting faster and found by the time I got back an hour later I was exhausted and Charlie had evidently left because his cruiser was no longer parked out front.

I was so hungry but I didn't care because all that my mind could truly think about was Jacob. I winced slightly as the hole stung a bit around the edges and at the stitch I now had pounding in my right side. My hands reached out to the phone on the kitchen wall hopefully.

No Bella Jacob will call you.

I huffed and walked upstairs to the bathroom blasting myself with cold then hot water before I bothered to start washing my hair.

Getting out of the shower and seeing he scales reminded me of my achievement it felt good to be distracted like this it also felt good to be motivated to lose more weight now that I had actually achieved a size zero and got down to 105lb. I smiled briefly distracted from worrying about Jacob as I towel dried my hair and applied a leave in hair moisturiser. Running delicate fingers through my soft straight hair felt good as I let the dark brown locks drop I could just about sit on the longest ends of my hair.

I traced the outline of my collar bone and my more defined waist before sliding into my size zero black skinny jeans and a purple polka dot push up bra. I still was a C-cup but I had gone from a 34 to 32 which was nice to know; I thanked my mother's genes for allowing me to keep my boobs. I knew my boobs were going to get smaller though but I calculated that by to time I reach the 95lb mark I would probably be fitting into B/C-cup but was prepared for the loss. I had long hair and my collarbone would look beautiful which would be enough for me to feel feminine.

As I finally decided on a brand new blue cardigan the phone started to ring. Without a second thought I was practically flying down the stairs and picked up the phone on the second ring.

"Hello Jake?" I asked without thinking if it even was him.

"Bella hi it is great to hear your voice." Jacob sounded so weak and tired. I swallowed hard before asking "how are you doing Jake? If you have the flue you should feel better in a few hours or so." I half asked slash stated willing him to be better.

"I-I don't think I have the flue. I feel h-horrible... it hurts-s e-e-everywhere." Jacob croaked and my heart cracked hearing his voice sound so sick and unwell.

"I am sorry I made you come over and then go for a run. This really sucks Jake."

"I'm glad I came." His voice was just a whisper. I felt so guilty I should have sent Jacob home the moment I thought something was wrong.

"Don't worry Bells. Don't blame yourself because you know that this isn't your fault." Jacob replied to my thought; his voice still a hoarse whisper. He always had a knack for reading my mind.

"You'll get better soon" I promised and started thinking about my knowledge on the flue and common cold in adolescents. "At most if it's the flue or a cold you'll be feeling ill for only a day or so more unless you are like a hundred or something." I said trying to will him better with even more gusto.

"Bells, honey I really d-d-don't think I h-h-h-have the f-f-fl-flue."

"What is wrong with you then?" I asked getting confused and slightly annoyed I may not be able to see my best friend for a while. _You're a selfish fuck, Bella._

"Everything," he whispered flatly. The pain in his voice was so real to me in that moment I could almost feel the burning sensation.

"What can I do for you Jake? What can I bring?" What can I do?

"Nothing. You can't come here." Jacob said abruptly, reminding me of Billy the other morning and night.

"But I have already been exposed to whatever you have and even if I wasn't I don't mind risking it." I pointed out ever hopeful.

"No. I will call you when I can. I will let you know when you may come down again." I felt tears starting to form it felt like Jacob was trying to push me away.

"Jacob- "

"I have got to go now," he said with a sudden angry urgency.

"Jake please call me when you feel better."

"Okay," Jacob agreed with a distinct bitter edge to his whisper of a voice. There was silence for a moment. I didn't want to hang up; I didn't care that I had school. Tears started to slide down my cheeks silently I was waiting for him to say good bye, but he waited to. I gulped back sobs as my tears began to wet my chest whilst waiting in silence.

"We'll see each other soon." I finally managed to say. "Wait for me to call Bella," Jacob said, but for some reason I didn't believe him. "Um... Okay... Bye Jacob." He hung up and I whispered "I love you," into the receiver. I cried the whole way from that spot to school. It definitely felt like he didn't want me; I was so scared that I may never see my best friend ever again.

* * *

I felt so numb at school. But instead of becoming a zombie I tried very hard to nod and chat with Jessica in Spanish class and willed myself to take extra care with my results. Relief washed over me knowing that without reaching one of my weight loss goals I would find the day impossible. By the time the lunch bell rang I felt good enough to interact and socialise with greater ease which only improved as Angela and I waited in line for food. Angela turned to face me in the slow moving line.

"Bella are you okay? You seem sad. I don't want you to go away again." Angela asked concerned; by go away she meant return to zombie land.

I had to look up to look at her light brown eyes properly. I felt slightly envious of her 6' frame and waist length light brown hair; her hair looked so soft and effortlessly shiny. Angela also was naturally slim; if Angela had an outgoing personality she could be a model and not have to worry about her weight. I decided to tell the truth in a sense.

"Don't worry about me going away. But I am feeling a little glum because Jacob is unwell and I can't see him. I sometimes feel like he will leave me to." I said whispering the last part. Angela didn't comment she embraced me briefly to let me know that she wouldn't leave me and that she understood.

As we moved further down the line and got closer to the food my hunger started to kick in and I could feel my tummy growling; luckily it was too noisy for anyone to hear. I watched as Angela turned back around and loaded onto her tray a green apple, a can of lemonade, and a salad and salami sandwich. I mentally calculated he the calories on her tray and flinched back regretting it as I became instantly jealous. I placed a medium green apple and a bottle of diet iced green tea on my tray and fell into step beside Angela as we headed to our groups' table.

Predictably nobody except for Angela had noticed that I had been continually decreasing the amount of food that I ate at lunch over the past few weeks. I cringed internally and quickly thought of acceptable excuses for why I wasn't eating much as I peeled the sticker off my apple and took a bite. _Easy you are worthless and don't deserve the food_ the voice snidely injected_. You are better than that _she reminded me gently; _you become less selfish every day._

"Bella you look great in your new jeans but there are healthier ways," Angela mentioned in passing as I took a second bite and swallowed taking the time to make sure nobody heard her lest they start noticing too. I briefly wondered why I cared it wasn't like I was doing anything bad. I looked into Angela's eyes more closely and they were full of understanding and concern. Why do I feel so guilty right now?

"Oh yeah that thing," I fumbled over my words but was slapped to my senses by the voice which thankfully took charge allowing me to relax a little.

"Don't worry I haven't been feeling hungry lately and before when I was eating less but healthy," _that's right tell people what you want them to believe_, "that was when I was doing it the healthy way. I have even been to a doctor and stuff and he gave me the all clear." I said with more confidence and watched Angela react at first with uncertainty then reassurance. Phew out of that bizarre dilemma; the voice wiped its metaphorical forehead.

* * *

I completely distanced myself from everyone for the duration of Biology and made myself focus and answer questions whilst taking detailed notes. I was already to leave when the bell went but forced myself to stay back and wait for Mike before rushing off to Gym class. I let Mike chat about various trivial things as I wondered what sport we would be doing today. I asked Mike and he said he wasn't listening last lesson when Coach Clapp said what we would be doing next lesson. I also added that I would be his partner again if he would let me after all the 'stuff' I put everyone through. Mike of course enthusiastically agreed and bounded off to the male change rooms and I walked into my favourite corner near my locker and pulled out my sport uniform to get changed into.

The light coloured fabric of my gym shorts were loser; despite my best efforts they insisted to sit low on my hips revealing the bonds logo on my embarrassingly gray underwear. The white shirt was only long enough to cover it when I wasn't moving I groaned and went red as I skipped into the hall with Jessica; the two of us acting like idiots. I stole a quick glance to see where Mike was and went bright red when I realised he had been starring at me. Jessica thankfully didn't notice and I watched as her bouncy thick brown hair jumped up and down as she moved off to be with Lauren Mallory whom eyed me evilly and flicked her dead straight corn silk hair over her shoulder in a less than subtle fashion.

Mike and I walked to meet each other just as Coach came out and started shouting at us to get a buddy if we did not know the route for the school cross country and line up.

"Don't worry Bella I will show you the way." Mike said reminding me of a heroic golden retriever. I was about to groan when I realised that meant we were running. I smiled as Coach Clapp counted down from three not only was I going to run I was going to show everyone that Bella Swan the clumsiest person on the planet could do something athletic.

A shrill whistle made me jump into action. Not many students were bothering and I looked behind to see Mike slightly stunned as he ran to easily catch up.

"I never knew you could run Bella," Mike said as we crossed the half way mark; "we are half way now Bella and you don't even look like you are struggling."

"Yeah well Tyler and the rest of the foot ball team and yourself are loads better than I am and I am sure the skinny cheerleaders would whip my arse if they bothered," I huffed in reply. Mike rolled his light blue eyes and blew his blonde hair out of his face.

"You're pretty slim Bella I'm sure they would have worthy competition against you."

"Nah I may be slim but I'm still soft."

"Not as much as you were before, if you don't mind me saying I think you look fairly toned." I blushed; I was always terrible with compliments. _Not as much as you were before._

I kept running and lifted up my shirt to keep cool, exposing my stomach. We were running pretty hard, well I was. Mike looked like he was holding back a lot more than he was showing.

As Mike pointed to a bend after which would be the home stretch I gasped out, without losing speed; "Mike I know I am the biggest dork and this will probably prove embarrassing I was wondering if you would give your honest opinion as a guy and as an athlete. Do you reckon my stomach is more toned?" I asked; if I wasn't running my cheeks would have flushed and if I had a time machine I would have taken what I asked back to never be returned.

Mike had obviously tried to act like what I asked wasn't a total embarrassment and had a look at my stomach. "Definitely Bella. Have you lost weight as well? I can almost see the making of a four pack," Mike smiled and I studied his expression and felt instantly elevated by the genuineness at the fact that my stomach looked more toned. _Everything can be improved._

"Okay Bella want to race to the finish?" I laughed putting all my effort into sprinting forward. I felt like I was flying as my legs pushed off the wet ground gathering speed. I watched as Mike passed and tried harder but as expected he crossed the line well before I did. I made contact with the ground as I tripped over the finish line too exhausted to bother with coordination.

Coach Clapp came rushing over with a slightly amused expression as well as a hint of shock and awe. "Well done Bella you got first place out of the girls." What that can't be right coach I thought as I looked around only a handful of boys had finished and I could just see Lauren rounding the corner now.

"I have?" I squeaked.

"Well done Bella!" Mike said coming over to help me up beaming.

I was shocked I never knew I had become that good. Lauren was the only one in our group that was in this class that didn't congratulate me; she just stole away the attention as Coach Clapp dismissed the class and called me over to stay behind for a quick word.

"Now Bella I know you probably haven't done much serious training for running," (or any sport for that matter), "but I think you have potential and really think you should sign up for one of the sports we offer here."

"Really do you think so? Look at me Coach I have lost weight and have been eating healthier and go for the occasional," soon to become daily, "run, but do you really think I look fit enough?" I realised I was still panting from running.

"Sure Bella you may need to work on your fitness a bit more to become good. Like I said you have potential. I can see you are slimmer and have a bit more tone but if you would like you can always come to extra training sessions which I run three times a week after school for those who are really keen, and the normal team practice day is Thursday afternoons, that is if you are interested." Yes. Yes. Yes! My inner voice whooped and I thought that it would be good to have something extra to put on a college application. I looked up at Coach Clapp and took in her appearance for the first time. She was trim and noticeably muscular but not grotesquely so, her shoulder length hair was the colour of rust and was swept back in a high ponytail; she wore her usual runners teamed with long navy blue leggings and the school jacket which was white with light blue trimmings.

"Okay." I said and Coach Clapp immediately started listing the sports I could try out for. In the end I decided on netball because it was the only sport I knew the rules of to any passable degree and had played it once before when I was younger but dropped it and picked up ballet instead.

**

* * *

**

Sorry for the quiet ending to the chapter once again but I hoped you noticed how quickly the 'voice', which is more of a feeling, take charge in this chapter and how Bella _**'let'**_** the voice take over whilst talking to Angela in the canteen. Yes the mind is easily corrupted from within.**

**Read, Review and all that other stuff please! It would be mucho appreciated.**


	6. Chapter FIVE

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight series.**

* * *

**Chapter Five:**

"Hi Billy it is me Bella is Jacob feeling better? Can I please talk to him?"

"Jacob is still sick Bella. You cannot talk to him. He will call when he is better. Goodbye Belle." Billy snapped and hung up on me.

I stood with an open mouth shocked at how rude and uncaring Billy was. If Jacob doesn't call me tomorrow I will go over there. I pictured myself pulling outside their red house and banging on the door demanding answers like I actually had the guts which I did not.

I blinked a few times to snap myself out of it and headed upstairs to shower trying to think about the rules of netball to distract me from Jacob and Billy's uncaring tone. The strawberry conditioner was running low which aggravated me but distracted me from Jacob at least. My hair was very long and required a larger amount and more care while combing the delicious smelling conditioner through. I eventually gave up on the shower and started to fill the bathtub. Warm water caressed my skin and my hair draped over the side; I decided to deep conditioner it.

As my eyes drooped dangerously I hoped out of the bath and rubbed coconut butter into my wrinkled skin. My hair was heavy as I carefully wrapped it up in a towel and walked to my room thinking of what I should study and how many calories I would have burned off today running with Mike.

I worked on all of my homework and studied for Spanish and English before my tummy grumbled in hunger. Charlie was downstairs in the fridge fishing for leftovers as I went to the cupboard and withdrew a small can of low fat low calorie soup.

"Dad I came first in the cross-country practice we had today."

"That is great Bells..." Charlie said absentmindedly whilst spooning a pasta dish onto a plate. I resisted the urge to smile as the information I just verbalised sunk in; Charlie paused as he sat down, his fork mid way to his mouth with cold food on it.

"What? You sport. You first." Charlie looked confused and shocked; this time I couldn't help but smile. I placed my bowel of now heated soup on the table before continuing between very small spoonfuls and sips of water.

"Shocking I know but Coach Clapp even recommended that I try out for a sport team. She said it showed that I have been slimming down and toning up," another way of saying things that you want to believe.

Charlie indicated for me to stand up and show him by waving his hand, his mouth was full of pasta. I got up and lifted my baggy pj top so he could see, I even tensed my stomach muscles for him and watched his eyes pop in shock; his eyes spoke wholly crap Bella fit! I giggled and sat back down as Charlie swallowed.

"So what do you think Dad? Do I look like I have improved?" Charlie nodded digesting what he saw.

"You look great Bella. Not that you didn't look good before but there is obvious improvement. It looks like you're on the way to getting a four pack and I am on my way to beer six pack," Charlie stated clearly in awe of my hard work. "What sport were you going to try out for Bells?"

"Netball mainly because it is one of the only sports I can remember the rules to." Charlie looked slightly disappointed, no doubt hoping it would be softball or something he followed, but he still looked proud all the same. _Tell him what you want now Bella you know what I mean_; my voice cooed in my ear. "I guess I will have to start watching my diet and exercise more often to be able to be any good," I casually planted the seeds that would later grow to my advantage. "I was thinking about going for a daily run and cutting back on dinner so I can load up on energy at school but still feel light enough to go for a run in the morning."

"That's fine Bells just remember to eat lots of carbs at school to train okay."

"Don't worry you know me I have taken a massive interest in nutrition and fitness so I know what I am doing," I smiled and started to water the seeds.

"Oh yeah. Well then I guess I will be fending for myself at dinner time then. It will be good for you to have a break from babying me," Charlie said wrapping up our productive conversation. I knew Charlie didn't mind if I didn't have dinner with him because we both enjoyed solitude which is great because it can work to my advantage.

* * *

The next day was overcast but not raining I noted, looking out my bedroom window before making my way once again to the bathroom. I had already gone for a run that morning it was quick, only forty minutes, but I didn't really bother with paying attention to the surroundings; I was too focused on my techniques as I powered on relishing the feeling. It is not like it is unusual to have bad weather in Forks so I wasn't surprised.

I shivered slightly before stepping on the scales; tingling with excitement. I knew that I lost weight; I had eaten hardly anything and did a lot of exercise. 103.1lb! _That is over a pound good job_ the voice congratulated. I smiled and this time the feeling wasn't so alien until I remembered Jake as hot water pounded me and I lathered soap on my loafer. I punched the wall instantly regretting it. Why the fuck was Billy so uncaring? Did he care? And why were they pushing me away? _You're still not good enough Bells that is why._

My hand was slightly red and sore as I packed my school bag; I remembered to pack my runners as I walked out the door to my tank proof truck. I stole a glance at my watch; 7am. Enough time to walk to school. Hastily I went back inside and scribbled a note to Charlie:

'Walking back from tryouts after school this arvo so will be too late to start on dinner. B.'

I then quickly pulled my black converse off and put them in a plastic bag before shoving them in my back pack and pulling on my runners. I then rummaged through my drawers and removed a pedometer and clipped it on the top of my skinny jeans before locking the door and jogging to school. Luckily it was a cool day and I didn't perspire like you would normally after exercise.

Upon arriving I headed straight for my locker and put away my runners and unneeded gear. Angela was at her locker; her locker was next to mine on the left.

"Hey Bella I heard from Coach Clapp that you were going to try out for the netball team. I really hope you make it then I will have someone to talk to besides Lauren."

I groaned, "Lauren is on the team? But that is good how you are on the team I never knew you played. It makes sense I guess you are so skinny and tall. Are you in a goal position?"

"You may not be tall but you have slimmed down a bit so you will be fine on that front." I love Angela for her honesty. "And don't worry Lauren is fairly serious about her sport so she won't bother you about personal stuff." Great now she will hate me for how I play but it is better than not playing I suppose, _no it is better_.

"Yeah I play Goal Defence mainly and sometimes Goal Keeper but I am too terrible at shooting to be attacking. What do you play?"

"Cool. My favourite positions are Wing Defence and Centre so hopefully we will be close. That is if I get in..."

"Don't you worry Bella you will besides it never hurts to have an extra on an eight player team; we need more reserve positions. How about you meet me after your last class and I will walk with you to tryouts. And if you are nervous or need to brush up on a few rules just talk to me at lunch okay?" I nodded and walked with a spring in my step to my first class.

Lunch came around too quickly. For some unknown reason I felt nervous about it; I didn't want to eat I was too motivated to lose more weight especially after this morning. Luckily when Angela caught sit of me fidgeting nervously in the cafeteria line and came over to be with me, she took my nerves to be for the tryouts and not having to eat food. This made me feel uncomfortable with myself; why am I nervous about eating food? I picked up a medium small granny smith apple and a can of diet coke.

"Aren't you hungry Bella?" Angela discretely inquired.

"Nah my stomach is doing flips around a flock of butterflies and you know me I don't have much of an appetite anyway." I told the truth I just left out the reason for my nerves, yet I still felt like I was doing something bad; I brushed that thought away. Once again I planted the seeds of deception.

"Yeah I don't have much of an appetite normally either but when I am scared all I want to eat is strawberry ice cream and nothing else." Angela stated and we both sat down next to Jessica.

Mmm ice cream I thought randomly as I nibbled at my apple and sipped my coke. Looking around I realised I felt very self conscious. I was so aware of all the gross sounds I was making as I chewed and swallowed. I couldn't help but wipe my mouth every sip or few bites; what if I was drooling?

I put down my half eaten apple and stared at it briefly before launching almost too enthusiastically into a conversation with Angela about netball's rules and what are uniforms looked like. Before I knew it the bell rang and I had to throw away my half uneaten apple and three quarter full diet coke. A strange sense of relief and excitement washed over me knowing I didn't eat in front of my friends. I once again shrugged off my intrigue into this feeling telling myself I will research it tonight when I get home.

* * *

"Okay Bella I want you paired against Angela. We are going to see how your defending and attacking skills compare okay?" Coach Clapp said to me speaking encouragingly but still like a Coach that means business.

My eyes widened I had been watching the team go through their paces in a quick warm up, Angela not only had the body for a great defender she had a lot more skill than I would have expected from her. I had been shocked enough to find out that Angela looked like she could go pro if she really wanted; after all she is a very quiet academic type of person so I naturally assumed she didn't play sports much. But to find out I was being tested against her was just plain nerve wracking; she looked like she weighed a hundred pounds and was six feet tall. I only just started to notice how fit and toned she looked despite being so skinny; her bones must be really small I thought to myself as I walked with Angela to take position. Angela smiled encouragingly and wished me a quick good luck as Lauren jogged to centre position with a standard sized netball. I gulped and took a deep breath while waiting for instructions.

"Okay first you will be attacking Bella and Angela will be defending you. We will do this a few times before you and Angela switch roles. Understood?" I nodded at Coach Clapp and turned to Lauren letting my eyes hover on the yellow ball. I mentally ran through all my knowledge on how to outsmart a defending opponent from a centre pass. I took another deep breath in anticipation of the shrill whistle which sounded a split second later. My legs and arms reacted instantly and I was miraculously in front of Angela. Lauren threw the ball and I caught the chest pass with surprising ease. I felt confident as the natural instincts came flooding back so I didn't have to think as much.

I caught fifty percent of the passes made to me. I did not know if that was a good or bad thing but against Angela's height and skill I felt proud.

"Okay Bella and Angela switch roles," Coach Clapp shouted blowing hair out of her face. I didn't have time to wonder if it was normal for her to comment at tryouts or wait till it was over, I was too busy fighting with Angela for the inside position behind the centre third line.

The whistle sounded and before I knew it I was chasing Angela to the right and then the left before I realised she tricked me into going left she had the ball. Dam she is fast, the first second wasn't even up. I felt a massive blow to my confidence; defence was my thing. However that didn't stop me giving it my all. Angela caught the next two balls thrown but I went onto catch the rest of them. I smiled to myself I was enjoying this. I have no idea why I quite this in the first place not only is this fun but it should be burning lots and lots of calories.

After a half court match and a few more skill tests I was told to wait until practice was over to see how I went. I was nervous now; I hate anticipation over the unknown. I watched all the girls expectedly run up and down the court training. The uniforms they wore were a one piece skirt ensemble. The hue was predominantly black with swishy swirls of blue and white stripes lining the seams. I wondered what I would look like in one and what size I would be.

"Bella. Bella practice is over you can snap out of lala land now." Angela laughed softly waving her hand before my eyes. I felt the warmth of blood rushing to my cheeks and took Angela's hand as she pulled me up. "Come on Bella Coach is waiting for you in by the store room," Angela said whilst pulling me along which gave me time to compose myself which was rather hard as I felt the effects of my euphoria and Ritalin wear off.

"So Bella what positions did you used to play?" Coach Clapp enquired as she leant against the door frame to the store room.

"Um I used to play both wing positions and centre but I predominantly was wing defence and centre. I never played in the goal circle because of my height though." I mumbled nervously fighting the urge to break eye contact; stupid ADD. I was twisting a lock of my hair around my finger trying to calm myself.

"Well Bella I can't deny that you are a bit rusty but from what I saw you are more than capable. Welcome to the team Bella," Coach Clapp announced dramatically. I let out a massive breath and smiled up at Angela and Coach Clapp who was both beaming at me as I felt my signature blush once again take over my face.

Angela then took me to the back of the store room to hunt for a uniform in my size. "So what size are your clothes that you usually wear?" Angela asked as she opened a draw full of brand new uniforms and pulled out a few try on pairs.

"Um my jeans are a size zero and my top is a size two," I replied. Angela handed me a uniform marked extra small and turned around so I could try it on. It felt weird wearing it; it was like wearing a full piece bathing suit with a skirt that only just covered the tops of my legs.

"Um it is too baggy." Angela turned back around and nodded in agreement before going back into the drawer to pull out a try on a size in extra-extra small. I eyed it; it looked tiny. Angela saw my face and giggled. "Don't worry Bella, it has stretch and is supposed to be rather form fitting."

I shrugged and indicated for her to turn around. This one was rather form fitting and there were no baggy bits. "I think this one fits Angela. How do I look?" Angela appraised my appearance.

"Wow you are tiny Bella but the uniform fits perfectly and you look great in it." Angela said and handed me a brand new one in the same size and once again gave me some privacy as put my clothes back on.

* * *

The walk home was relaxing until I realised I was starting to think about Jacob. What if he doesn't want me? Is he okay? Fuck I am so confused.

My breathing was laboured and ragged as I rounded the last corner and walked slowly up the gravel driveway. I paused before our worn oak coloured door and sighed. Fuck me Jacob. I abruptly turned around and searched through my school bag for the keys to my truck, spilling half the contents onto the driveway. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! I was too frustrated to bother with putting the books back in my bag so I just scooped everything up, unlocked the truck and dumped the stuff on the passenger seat.

Trying to slow my frustrated breaths proved almost futile as I pushed my truck to fifty five. It took five minutes less than normal to get to Jacob's house. I forcefully pulled the hand brake and cut the ignition. I felt so angry for some reason. I missed my best friend. It felt like there was something big being hidden from me.

Tears threatened to fall as the gravel crunched under my converse and I reached the door; its red paint was peeling off like the rest of the house. I banged my fists loudly on the door feeling slightly bonkers but predominantly frustratingly angry.

"Hello is anyone home!" I almost barked but managed to sound more like an angry teenager.

"He-ll-o!" I rudely kept knocking until I heard a click and the door swung open before I could hit it again.

"Bella," Billy curtly greeted me; he was square in the middle of the doorway. Billy did not look like he was going to invite me in so I decided to cut straight to the chase.

"Why the hell have you been so rude and defensive towards me lately? Jacob is my best friend and I love him. Why won't you let me see him? I don't care if I get sick because I care for him. Have you even taken him to a doctor? I am worried sick Billy!" I almost screamed the last part my voice had risen so much over the course of my mini interrogating rant.

Billy looked up at me his black eyes looked hared than diamond.

"Bella Jacob does not want to see you." I stepped back a few steps almost falling off the small wooden porch. I gasped in air like a fish out of water trying to digest a fear I had been desperately trying to suppress. _He doesn't want you either Bella._

"Wh-w-Wha-what-tt?" I stuttered my voice cracked every syllable. I clasped my hands across my chest; the wretched hole was open and bleeding away my soul.

"B-but I love Jacob. Jacob is my best friend," I choked out looking into Billy's hard face there was not a hint of remorse; I felt sickened. Nobody wants me. Nobody wants me. Fuck.

Wet droplets of the tears that threatened to fall ran down my cheeks soundlessly. I looked up at Billy feeling numb then anger. _You are pathetic Bella, you selfish fuck._

"I think you should go," Billy said; it wasn't a suggestion it was more like an order almost a threat. I turned and ran to my truck and speedily drove home feeling bits of me give up hope but a nagging feeling that Billy was lying _and that nobody wants you_.

* * *

Clouds grumbled as I sat in my truck crying without sound. I don't know how long I was there but eventually Charlie came out of the house and spotted me. I guess I have been here a while but I didn't care I felt dead.

I looked up as Charlie first approached with anger then concern as soon as he saw my face; he rushed over to me and carried me to the house and lay me down on the couch. Charlie then went a way for a few moments and returned with my stuff from my truck.

It was so cold just lying there as my blood drained from my extremities. My breathing quickened and came out in uneven bursts as tears fell down_. Disgusting, weak and pathetic!_

Charlie laid an old warm scratchy blanket on me and bought over a cup of water. I blinked a few times at the water very confused then looked at Charlie; his eyes were full of concern. My breathing continued to become faster weaker and less controlled. I felt like throwing up and passing out and screaming all at the same time; I was so confused. Why was I losing it so easily?

"Bella what is wrong honey? Did tryouts go badly?" Charlie's overly gentle voice betrayed his concern. I took three deep breaths and sipped the water whilst Charlie rubbed my back reassuringly.

"No," I gasped out. "Not tryouts. It was Billy and Jacob and everything. He said he didn't want to see me Dad," I choked out trying to make the words coherent and the statement make sense.

I burst into tears from the realisation that Jacob doesn't want me. I just lay there and cried as Charlie got up and immediately called the Black household. There was no answer so Charlie called Harry Clearwater; I wondered if Seth would know how Jacob is as he did so. Seth might know.

I started to scheme and told Charlie that I'll be back late and wouldn't be having dinner. I didn't wait to hear Charlie's reply as I rushed out the door. "Bella," Charlie called out before running to stop me. I felt his protective hands wrap around my shoulders. I spun around and cried into his chest I felt so broken. Charlie still had the phone in hand and was chatting with Harry as he guided me back into the house. Charlie hung up and turned to face me.

"Bells we are going over to the Clearwater's for dinner next Friday and I think you should come," it was an order that I was too willing to obey; I didn't want to be left alone.

Okay it is Wednesday today so that means I have a whole nine days till I can ask questions; that's if Jacob doesn't talk to me before then. I was suddenly able to plaster on a mask of false acceptance and meandered upstairs; I felt the need to brush my hair and found myself gently brushing through my limp locks as I worked on a creative writing task for school. I had to repeatedly tell myself that Jacob may not be avoiding me and he still loves me; it was hard but it got me through till I went to sleep and woke up to carry on with the rest of the week.

* * *

Over the next three days (including the Wednesday a week later), I repeatedly tried to call and revisited Jacobs's house only to find the curtains shut and no evidence of someone being home. Eventually the line wouldn't even connect when I called. I tried to tell myself that it was just a problem with the phone line to suppress my growing suspicions.

I became very obsessive over those nine days. I had to run an hour every day at the exact same time. I became obsessed with ordering my food into different colours and texture like I used to when I was a kid. My school work had to be completed the day I got it and then I had to study exactly four hours a day evenly distributing time between each of my subjects excluding gym. I felt like I was going mad.

As a kid I had always liked to sit in a certain spot around the table or at school but it felt like I had no choice; I just had to sit in that spot. It felt like I had gone from a creature of habit to obsessive compulsive very quickly. Although Renee and Charlie had explained to me that I was diagnosed with possible Aspergers as a kid and a tendency to become obsessive. But still it felt weird like the time when I realised I had to close the laundry hamper lid and make sure that it was even, except now it felt like that simple urge had morphed into many others. I didn't mind however I seemed to work really well and avoid dinner with my little routines although that wasn't my plan to start with.

* * *

I awoke on the Friday morning early and went for an hour run at 4:30am my watch time exactly.

I breathed in the cold air and hammered my way through the dark tracks in the encroaching forest. It was the only time darkness, lots of uneven ground and my shit coordination didn't cause me problems; I had become very good at what I was doing. I had already attended three netball training sessions which I think helped improve my running and coordination significantly.

I still had not worn my hair out in public and as I was nearing the end of my run I convinced myself to wear it out and blow dry it straight for dinner tonight. I tutted at myself for being so vein as I bounded up the stairs two at a time. It wasn't like it was a formal occasion or anything and I barely knew what Leah was like now.

Once in the bathroom I closed and locked the door then carried out the necessary preparations so I could weigh myself. I made sure there were no foreign objects on me or the scales that could skew results and double checked the positioning of the scale before zeroing it.

I breathed in deeply then exhaled and blinked repeatedly. I was stunned by the numbers flashing before me; afraid that if I believed that what I was seeing was correct that I would somehow find out that it was wrong. Just to be sure I brushed through my hair and re-zeroed the scales and stepped on. Nope my eyes were not deceiving me so I let a smile flood my face it was genuine and felt good like the hot water now caressing my naked body. Even as I stepped out of the shower, dried my hair and plaited it carefully I felt tingly.

I skipped to my room counting my strides; fourteen this morning. Then withdrew my little black book, I had been recording my weight and sometimes my food consumption in. I satisfactorily crossed off my goal weight of a hundred pounds then proceeded to record my weight of ninety nine point eight pounds. I grinned again at my book before hiding it behind my tall skinny book shelf.

Today's gym class had been cancelled and I groaned but remembered Coach saying that is no excuse to skip on exercise to make up which I knew I would never do even if I wanted to I felt too weird when I didn't exercise. I pulled down my now baggy size two long sleeve cardigan thanking my boobs for not noticeably shrinking. I think my boobs are the only fat on my body that I like being there.

I lifted up my shirt and saw the feint but noticeable lines of a four pack and slightly more visible hipbones that were really just tinny pokes. But that will change my little voice said encouraging me to wear the skinny jeans in size zero that I bought the day before yesterday.

I felt kind of like a skinny jean whore I had actually purchased mostly size zeros and as many double zeros as possible which brought the total population of skinny jeans residing in my chest of drawers to eight. The jeans I wore today were gray washed denim. Despite looking shit with my baggy cardigan it worked for me it made me feel slimmer and protected especially when I headed to my first class puffing slightly from walking to school. You are such a dork Bella I thought before entering my first class.

Once again I found that the time from the start of the school day to the end went far too fast but also slow. It was pouring as the last bell ended forcing me to sprint all the way home with my bag secured to me under my poor excuse for a makeshift rain coat which consisted of my baggy hoodie. Charlie was home when I got there and informed me that we would head over to the Clearwater's house in three hours. I thanked myself for skipping lunch and studying; I would freak about not getting enough studying done if I hadn't. I ran up the stairs despite puffing like a smoker.

The lights were already turned on upstairs and in the bathroom. A cold draft seeped through the small open bathroom window; I shivered as I peeled my clothes off and placed them in the hamper before closing the lid evenly and then getting in the shower.

Bit by bit I cautiously shaved my legs as I let the strawberry conditioner soak into my tangled hair; I sat on the floor of the bath tub allowing the shower to wash over my back. I let out a long breath as I stepped out still shivering slightly; the pouring rain had stolen some of my body heat.

Feeling still cold after drying my body I decided to use the hair dryer to rid my hair of moisture and slightly warm myself in the process. My eyes stared unblinking at my reflection in the small mirror making sure that I untangled every knot and straightened any strays. This took almost half an hour which surprised me only slightly mainly because I am not considered girly.

Deciding I was going to bother with presentation to a minuet degree I lazily fetched my girly crap I had bought the other week and my facial care stuff. This helped me occupy more time as I averted my thoughts from what type of foods we would be having. Just as I finished applying a thin line of black eyeliner and onyx mascara Charlie called. I cursed, running to my room and quickly got changed into a casual black dress with short sleeves, slipped on a pair of thick gray woollen tights and retrieved my red hand knitted jumper, it looked like crap but it was warm so I didn't give a shit.

Charlie was waiting down stair for me leaning against the door; he had changed into a green polo shirt and his favourite weathered but comfy jeans. I noticed he was wearing a belt which he never had to do before and complimented him on slimming down; Charlie smiled and said I looked beautiful, _as if_, in return before hugging me close and walking me to the passenger side of his police cruiser under a massive navy coloured umbrella. The rain only got heavier as Charlie backed out of the drive way. I still felt slightly chilly and pulled my legs to my chest and absentmindedly combed my fingers through my hair to kill the short time between leaving our house and arriving at our destination.

The rain had lessened as Charlie backed into a drive way. It was dark and all I could really see about the house was that the lights were on. My thoughts wandered almost instantly to Jacob. Was I really worthless or was there something sinister going on? I had to list a long line of profanities at my thinking to shut up; I didn't want to appear a blubbering idiot around Leah and Seth.

Luckily the rain had lessened to a tolerable drizzle and we could make our way to the front door without drowning. I rubbed my forearms as Charlie knocked on the front door. We were greeted by Leah. Her appearance had changed since I last saw her. Long black hair flowed over her shoulders and back. Her eyelashes were thick; kind of like feather dusters. And Leah's skin was a flawless coppery shade. I cringed inwardly as she beckoned us into the house with a happy grin that reached past high elegant cheek bones to her dark eyes. It was going to be a long night; I hate family/friend get togethers.

At first there was an expected awkward silence as everyone sat around the small cosy lounge room; Sue sat perched next to Harry on a squishy all consuming looking chair, Charlie sitting opposite on a ratty old lounge and us kids, (Seth, Leah and I), sat on a corner answering questions whenever one of the adults asked. This lasted until Seth decided he would retreat to his room to do god knows what. Leah and I shared a look and politely excused ourselves from the boring discussion and we too retreated.

"Wow Bella you look great!" Leah gushed complimentarily. "Not that you didn't look good before but you look so much fitter now," Leah said staring at me. I shuffled a bit as I lazed on her bed.

"Nah come off it Leah compared to you I'm not very fit or good looking..." I half mumbled, luckily Leah didn't notice my resentful tone which I have become quite expert in hiding I realised as of late.

Leah blushed before replying, "Oh but you have improved. I can help you if you ever want me to..." I had to work hard not to raise my eyebrows to the moon. Leah sounded so low like she really didn't think what I said was true; how ridiculous I thought. Leah is beautiful and now that I realised it a lot thinner and harder looking.

"Leah, have you lost weight?" I asked incredulously before continuing, "Because I just realised you look so much thinner like you dropped three or four dress sizes. I am so jealous how did you do it? And you look so much more toned and I already thought you were a toned slim machine before but wow..." I couldn't help but gush, it had been so long since I had socialised properly and I was definitely rusty.

Leah stared into my eyes searching for the briefest of moments, I wasn't even sure she had, before answering. "Let's just say I had motivation and know my stuff..." Leah trailed off quietly. I felt a twang of pity for her I had heard from Jacob about how Sam Uley had broke up with her and left her for her cousin Emily. I knew how she felt, almost, I have been trying to better myself ever since he left.

"I understand," I mumbled back. Leah looked up and in that moment we knew each other's pain and said no more on the subject for the rest of the evening. Instead we both filled the time with useless shallow chatter.

* * *

**Remember the voice is more of a feeling/thought not a voice if that still/ever made sense? Well the point is I am sort of getting into Bella's character. I have written another chapter and have heaps of ideas for the future plot so I won't speak too much of Bella lest I ruin the story (I hope it is a good enough story to 'ruin' aka tell the outcome before the story can be read.)**

**Read and Review please! I love it even when there is criticism to make me a better writer! **

**p.s. I hope my style of first person writing is okay because before this story I predominantly wrote in third person.**


	7. Chapter SIX

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own the twilight saga.**

**Author's Note:**

**Before I begin I would like to thank '****Wonders Of My World****', '****Mackenzie L.****' and '****Fadeaway Windwaker****' For commenting/reviewing and also I would like to mention how flattered I feel that people have 'favourite-ed' this story. **

**But I am kind of confused by the stats on my story; how come there are so many reading it but hardly anybody comments/reviews it? **

**Please people out there who read my story can you kindly grace me with your thoughts on the story so far? Is that too much to ask if less than 1% (actually less than 0.5% to be even more accurate), of the people reading are commenting/reviewing? I would really like to hear more of your thoughts please, I have started on the next chapter already but I might hold off on publishing it if I don't feel people actually want to read it. What I am trying to say is please give me more feedback.**

**Now on with the chapter. I hope you like =]**

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Chapter Six:

The next morning after running and doing muscle building exercises I performed my now usual rituals before hoping on the scale and returning to my room to record the weight; 99.6. I groaned. I did not want to hit a platue in my weight loss; I enjoyed losing weight too much now. But an idea struck me before that could get me down. I almost ran to my room after showering and started up the computer. I forgot all about preserving as much of my metabolism as possible in my haste to lose weight. I mentally sort through my files of knowledge on the subject as I skipped into the kitchen to take my pills and down a glass of tap water.

By the time I had gone back upstairs and dressed for work Charlie had gone and my computer had started up, and managed to connect to the internet. Not wanting to waste any time before work my fingers flew across the keyboard and I found what I was looking for just half an hour before I had to be at work.

I dove under my desk and retrieved my little black book; 99.6lb was not the only set of numbers I wrote onto its lined pages. I jotted down the formula for BMI and other facts I already knew; the amount of calories/kilojoules in a gram of protein, fat, carbohydrate and alcohol, how to convert height and weight into metric for easier use in formulas and the amount of energy tax required to make the calories usable depending where they came from. There was one formula I knew of, but hadn't bothered to find out until now which I quickly jotted down at the very top of a fresh page; "Harris Benedict eqn. Woman= 655.1+(9.6xkg)+(1.8xcm)-(4.7xyr)."

* * *

Mike seemed very enthusiastic when I arrived which wasn't unusual but what was, was how I felt happy enough to be enthusiastic back. It was a great four hours of work Mike and I had fully rekindled a decent friendship and every now and then when Mike forgot his place he would flirt with me. I giggled a lot in that hour too. We both knew once I started to mock flirt that we were bullshitting ourselves and ended up laughing even louder, me more on the hysterical side.

"So Bella, it is good to have you back. I-we thought we lost you. I-I missed you even though we are only friends," Mike uncharacteristically blurted out whilst I buckled my seatbelt and he lent against my wound down window; we were chatting for an hour like this in the overcast weather. I blushed and gulped back tears; someone actually cared. I couldn't however hide the genuine smile of relief which flooded my thanks in combination with "thanks Mike that really means a lot to me."

As I drove home I felt slightly less alone but still abandoned why did Jacob and Edward leave me? (_Because you are a selfish pathetic fuck._) The two people in this world who I love the most didn't want me. I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter at this thought and roughly backed my old truck into our driveway coming to a jolting stop.

"Fuck!" I screamed out loud as I bruised my knuckles trying to break down the front door before stomping upstairs like a tantrum throwing toddler would. This found me in the bathroom looking into the full length mirror hanging off the back of the closed door.

I stood frozen in place. I had stripped down to my underwear. All I could see was me in the mirror. How come they left me? - _You are pathetic._ - There has got to be something wrong with me. - _Yes there is._ - There has to be. - _Dam straight oblivious one. - _Edward is too perfect and I am... am... But I couldn't finish the thought I felt too stupid. I knew what I had to do to fix this. – _Stop being so pathetically selfish._ - I started by having a refreshing rinse to calm me down; Edward wouldn't let petty things get in the way of progress. After pulling my baggy top over my head I pulled out every folder and book that was required for the year and got to work.

I worked hard only stopping to sip iced water every ten minutes to keep up my metabolism up. I worked harder than before. By the time dinner had rolled around I had completed all my homework and wrote out all my assignments ready to type up. My brain would normally fizzle from the amount of study and school work I was doing but that didn't stop me. There was no way I would give up the one thing I know I can make perfect.

I needed just A+ and I knew I could do that. Unfortunately I will have to not shut myself in my room too often or Charlie will suspect something so that meant that I would have to use all the free time at school I had to do more work and exercise more to have an excuse to be out of the house and still be productive. I broke the pencil I was holding; I was determined. However I was also starving.

I trudged down into the kitchen and slipped two strips of extremely strong minty gum into my mouth; I generally wouldn't chew on something that strong but I found it helped me from picking when I was cooking. Normally I wouldn't bother but tonight it felt as though if I gave in to the slightest of pleasures I wouldn't be able to stop. Besides, I thought, I'm making creamy penne and if I start there won't be any left for Charlie; but deep down I knew the real reason was because of the immense quantity of calories every bite would cost.

_You become less selfish every time you resist what you clearly do not deserve._

* * *

Halfway through cooking, I was just adding all the ingredients to the cream, a loud banging on the front door caused me to swallow my gum in fright. I took three deep breathes to steady myself then turned the stove down to the lowest setting before tentatively approaching the front door.

"Bella! Open up!" a gruff but familiar voice demanded; it sounded very familiar so I hurried to the door and checked to see who it was.

"Jacob!" a loud high pitched voice shrieked which I realised a split second later was my own.

"Jac-cob-bbb" I began to cry and before he could protest I had dragged him into the kitchen and sat him down on one of the high stools near the bench so I could cook and talk at the same time.

"Bella I-" Jacob began before turning away from me.

Was it disgust that littered his face? I wondered as I self consciously mixed in the cream more carefully; it was almost done.

"Jacob, stay for dinner. I miss you so much! How are you feeling? I have been so worried..." I trailed on as I took the food off the heat to thicken and cool before adding it to the pasta. I looked down at it. There really wasn't enough food for Jacob, Charlie and I, but I didn't mind having leftover salad or nothing if it meant I could be with Jacob. I didn't look at Jacob for some reason as I finished making and serving up dinner for Jacob and Charlie's empty seat but eventually we couldn't avoid each other any longer.

Once that was done I turned and really looked at my Jacob. The first thing that grabbed my attention was his hair; it was gone and replaced by a short military style crop covering the top of his head in black glossy silk. Then my eyes saw how his face had changed; Jacob looked tighter, harder and more aged. My Jacob looked broader in the shoulder and thicker in the neck; everything about his frame was slimmer and more muscular. Tendons that belonged to a twenty something year old bulged under his russet skin where his hands gripped one another. Jacob also looked to have grown half a foot since I last saw him which seemed impossible given the short amount of time. But to me the physical changes were insignificant; it was his angry torn disgusted expression that plagued his face which shocked me. The sun I normally saw in my Jacob was blocked out by a raging storm.

"Jacob?" I cautiously whispered and my voice cracked as panic/worry began to swirl within me.

Jacob just stared at me his eye's gaze was tense and angry. For some reason it didn't feel like we were alone; it felt like someone else had possessed my Jacob. I felt angry, desperate and weak in comparison to the angry expression on Jacob. I wanted to take a swing at this thing. No, I wanted to do more than that. I wanted to be fierce and deadly; deadly enough to rip and maim this thing apart. I wanted to be a vampire.

The desire caught me unaware and I almost toppled emotionally as it siphoned the oxygen right out of the air I breathed. That wish, this wish, was completely taboo to me because it was the most pain inducing wish I owned. It symbolised all the things which were virtually impossible when Edward was around and everything that was unattainable to me now; lost like a grain of salt on a sandy beach.

Scrambling to take back control of myself to stop the hole in my chest from bursting open was near impossible and without me noticing I was hyperventilating and gasping for air as Jacob's unnaturally strong looking hands eased me onto the lounge chair before taking a seat next to me and turning to look at me. For a brief moment I saw my Jacob; concern laced his face.

"What do you want?"Jacob demanded in a gruff voice after my breathing returned to a normal safe pace, his expression growing increasingly resentful as he watched the showcase of emotions dance across my face. I took a deep, long, almost unnecessary breathe before answering.

"You know what I want to know." I said unnaturally calmly. Where the hell have you been? What happened to you? Why are you like this? Are you avoiding me? Am I really that repulsive...?

"Bella, it isn't what you think," his voice was weary, "it wasn't what I thought either ...I was way off..." Jacob trailed off as I stared at him. None of my questions had been answered it just created a whole new line of questioning. What the fuck are you talking about? I screamed at Jacob in my head.

"What is it then Jake? I do not understand," I said.

He studied my face in a calculating way before saying; "I can't say." Great, real helpful. "But I can't tell you or be friends with you unless..." Unless what? "You have to guess." Jacob finished his jaw clenched in restraint.

Huh?

"What!" I shouted uncharacteristically high and sharp.

"I love you Jake. You are my best friend in the whole wide world. Don't leave me please..." I was begging and slurring my words as my mood suddenly shifted to one of fear and desperation.

"How am I supposed to guess if I haven't been able to see you?" I whispered. Jacob's face unexpectedly brightened.

"I know you can do it Bell's. You guessed what Cullen was... shit shouldn't have said that." Jacob looked thoroughly torn between happiness and guilt before rushing to the door and pausing.

"Bella please try. I love and miss you too. It will be better if you guess so we can be friends again..." Jacob trailed off sounding like he might cry as he disappeared out the door and into the night. I rushed to the open door to watch him pull away in his Rabbit or on his motorbike but he did neither he had already reached the edge of the forest trail which we ran together on. Well used too...

I shivered as I watched my Jacob do the most peculiar thing; Jacob stripped and continued running. No it is freezing out I told myself and it is too dark to see anything so how can you be sure Bella? I told myself as I shut the door and walked over to my plate that was meant for Jacob. I covered it in glad wrap and as I was carefully placing it in the fridge I heard an eerie howl from deep in the forest. All traces of an appetite left me for the rest of the day showing no signs of reappearing.

* * *

All of Sunday I was jogging, running or doing house chores and occasionally I went over to my desk to do an assignment, homework or study only to remember I had completed everything already. I had no appetite or longing for food even though my logical side kept lecturing me on the affect it will have on my metabolism.

Even knowing that I had lost weight and was down to exactly ninety-nine pounds didn't persuade me to treat myself let alone nourish it; the only nourishment my body received was water, oxygen and double the normal amount of the supplements I take, along with my pills. The whole time I thought about Jacob and the little insightful clue he did not mean to drop for me to pick up and use.

Since I am in love with a vampire that despite not loving me, even exists, allowed me to coin with many supernatural notions in relation to Jacob. It seemed logical to think along those lines considering I heard about the Cullen's, *wince*, from him. Even as I felt my head rest against the pillow that night I was thinking about the Cullen's and Jacob; I heard it from him.

* * *

The forest that surrounded La Push was all around me; I was near the beach. If I could get to the beach I would be able to see the sun and everything would be okay so I began to head in the direction where the sound of gentle waves were washing up and down the beach could be heard in the distance. As I trudged through the humid forest Jacob appeared.

I was glad now that Jacob could guide me but something was wrong; he grabbed my hand, pulling me back to the blackest part of the forest, the place that I didn't want to go.

"Jacob what's wrong?" I asked.

Jacob looked at me in reply, a scared look appeared on his hardened youthful face; I noted that his hair was beautifully long again. I peered into his eyes feeling confused as he yanked with all his might but I resisted his efforts surprised at my own strength even in this all too familiar dream that seemed to have changed somehow; I now knew where to go and it was different somehow. I didn't want to go into the dark so I kept on resisting his wasted efforts.

"Run, Bella, you have to run!" Jacob whispered in a terrified voice that sounded as if it wanted to shout and scream.

A light was coming for me from the beach. I could feel his presence. I tingled with excitement at seeing Edward, knowing that he would be walking towards me any second now. Right on cue Edward came walking through the trees his skin glowing faintly and his eyes black and dangerous. Edward smiled at me, beckoning to me with his divine perfectionist beauty. Edward was as beautiful as an angel as he came closer and smiled his teeth looked sharp and pointy, like a _real_ vampire.

Before I could react Jacob yelped and fell to the ground.

"Jacob!" I screamed as true fear seeped into my foggy brain. But Jacob was gone and in his place was an enormous russet coloured wolf with dark intelligent eyes. Those dark intelligent eyes looked up at me expectantly, even Edward stopped to wait for me to see the obvious. I felt stupid and thick as they both stood there waiting. Jacob's eyes peered at me from within the wolf's and Edward's from the vampire's. They both looked at me as realisation dawned on me. Jacob was in the wolf. The wolf was in Jacob. Jacob was the wolf. I screamed in horror.

* * *

Beep! Beep!

I kept on screaming until I screamed myself into consciousness, shaking and sweating, before turning off the alarm clock and heading out to run on the forest track. The morning was still young and semi-dark; I called Jacob until he woke up and said in an all commanding voice; "Let's go for a run, now."

It didn't take Jacob long to figure out what I wanted, I had barely started running when Jacob was by my side running topless; he had a hard set of abdominals and chest muscles. I was impressed; I knew he had a six-pack before but now he looked even slimmer with the addition of about thirty pounds of muscle and the subtraction of all visible body fat.

My eyes popped as I took in just how much stronger and taller Jacob had grown in a matter of days that should take years to develop. Jacob grinned at me but I couldn't tell if it was because of my admiring eyes or that he figured out that I now knew.

I looked at my watch, it was almost 7:30; I had been running with Jacob since 5:30. I instantly wished I didn't look at my watch it made me realise how much pain my body was in and how physically exhausted I was. Jacob on the other hand looked like he could run for days before feeling fatigued. As I came to a stop and collapsed gasping onto a damp log I wondered if he ran here and if unnatural stamina and speed was part of what Jacob was. I groaned.

"So Jacob," I gasped as I caught the last of my breathe, "you are a...a... werewolf."

Jacob's grin widened and I gulped fresh oxygen which burned my parched throat.

"Close enough for me to tell you what I am Bella; I knew you could do it. But right now I think I should get you back to my place the woods may not be safe anymore." Jacob's voice darkened slightly as he spoke the last phrase.

"It will be quicker if you let me carry you-" Jacob started before I interceded with my dwindling oxygen supply; I felt kind of feint and black splotches appeared in front of my eyes as I got to my feet to protest. This situation was so déjà vu. But for some reason words didn't find my mouth and the world began to sway. "Bella?-"was the last thing I heard before I was carried into a blissful land of black as strong hands caught me.

* * *

I awoke from the blackness to find myself in Jacob's closet of a room in Jacob's double bed which took up most of the space. I was still in my exercise clothes. My eyes were still closed as I could not muster effort to open them so I was left in a state without light.

"Hi, Bella." Jacob's voice came from close by, rousing me from the darkness. I blinked furiously as I saw his silhouette materialise sitting on the edge of his bed. My throat felt dry and needy; I needed water but I couldn't because I hadn't weighed myself yet...

"Wow Bella you look like shit!" Jacob joked as soon as he was sure I was fully conscious.

"Ha ha," I couldn't be bothered with words as I shakily got to my feet and sighed when I was sure my vision wouldn't be flawed with black splotches like before. I turned to go but Jacob stood blocking the door to his bedroom giving me a look that said 'what just happened and aren't you forgetting something?'

It took me a while to bring coherent memories forward in my mind.

"Yeah, I remember the story and...and –" but Jacob silenced me with his hand but I finished what I was going to say anyway, "So what are you if you are not a werewolf?" Jacob then allowed me to pass him; he knew I wanted to go back to my place even if he didn't know all the reasons why. Luckily Billy wasn't home and my clumsy footsteps made the wooden house creek as Jacob and I walked in silence through the house then to his old Rabbit.

"Didn't take you long Bells now did it? I knew you would remember sooner or later. I knew you could figure it out." Jacob announced as he flopped on the couch and looked at me expectantly. I still felt tired as hell. Thank god for doing all my school related stuff before.

"Thanks Jake," I smiled as I said that to him wanting to ask more but I felt disgusting and the sweat all over my body was giving me goose bumps.

"Jake can you wait here while I go have a shower and get in to clean clothes? I am freezing and feel all sweaty." I said in a much happier relaxed tone than before.

"Just go Bella – if I hear you fall I'll come in – besides you stink!" Jacob said in a very sunny tone that made me feel like everything was going to be alright.

"You can't talk," I grumbled as I reached the top of the stairs and heard a chuckle in reply.

I still felt very shaky as I skipped into the bathroom carrying a fresh pair of clothes. I hadn't had any water or my pills or the supplements I bought yet today and I had been awake for almost four hours I realised as I looked at my watch which read 9:21am.

I really wanted to weigh myself and every time I thought about not bothering the shakes would get worse. This made me feel good and bad; I knew this was becoming an obsession but the relief was just such a good feeling that it was too good to pass up.

Stripping and then dumping my sodden clothes in the laundry hamper, making sure its lid was shut evenly, I looked in the mirror for a brief spell before picking up my brush and brushing my hair very carefully, all the while making sure it was just me who would be getting on the scale. Taking a deep breath I stepped up onto the scale, zeroing and making sure it was in the right spot before I did so. As I lowered my eyes and read the number on the scale I had to contain my happiness by grabbing my mouth. I had lost over half a pound in a day and I was now 98.8 freaking pounds! I smiled getting into the shower and let the hot water belt me for a good ten minutes before I bothered to wash myself; I deserved it.

I knew I could take my time because Jacob wouldn't go anywhere without speaking to me first, so I enjoyed the blissful shower. I bothered to comb through the conditioner and let it soak in whilst I scrubbed my body with an apricot soap that had moisturiser in it, I even bothered to shave my legs and underarms with care not to miss a bit.

Looking in the mirror as I got out into the misty warn bathroom I realised that my hipbones were slightly visible when I turned on my side and that I could see a very feint outline of my bottom few ribs; also my collarbone seemed slightly more prominent than it was a few weeks ago. I smiled. I don't know why this pleased me slightly but it did and it felt so good to smile at my slimmer physique. The sudden uplift in mood made the time spent drying my incredibly long hair fly by and I soon found myself in my baggy black tracksuit pants and a man sized top the colour of washed out maroon, skipping into the lounge room to find Jacob lightly dozing with his mouth hanging open on the couch.

"Jake..." I cooed softly to him and watched him stir but not awaken. Huffing and slightly annoyed I tried several times again but Jacob's body was too persistent in staying asleep so I stole a glance at my wrist watch and almost feinted in fear. It was Monday and I wasn't at school!

Fear and anxiety seeped through me trying to squash my good mood as my thought process went into overdrive. I was torn and was in too great of a mood to wake Jacob up; I didn't want to lose him again. Eventually I reasoned that I would turn up at school late because the teacher I had first loved me especially since I had "so much motivation for education" recently and would write Jacob a note explaining where I went and not to leave until I came back home after school.

* * *

As I was rushing around the house getting dressed and preened I realised I would have to drive and a strange feeling of guilt mixed in with dread emerged but I couldn't figure out why and pushed it into subconsciousness as I accelerated as fast as my Chevy could go in the direction of school.

But the feeling came back at lunch time as I rushed off in the direction of the library to avoid people and eating. It was sickening and all I knew was that the feeling was connected to driving to school and an irrational thought popped into my head that I should never drive to school again unless I wanted to feel even worse next time, except this thought and feeling felt like a threat, a warning by some unknown force within; it scared me slightly so rationally I ignored my concerns.

For the rest of the day I felt like I was choking on this strange guilt riddled feeling as more and more stupid thoughts followed, mainly talking to myself; silently begging my body to stop the release of whatever stupid chemical that was responsible for me feeling this way.

I was actually glad as the bell sounded ending gym class. I could afford not to do the extra after school practice with Coach Clapp since I had started running in my spare time. A sliver of hope that my good mood might emerge again today shone brightly in my face as I rushed off to my Chevy and once again found myself pushing the old thing to speed trying to get home, no scrap that, to get to Jacob.

* * *

"Jake! Jake! I'm sorry I had to leave you but I couldn't bear to wake you... Jacob?" I said then asked as I ran into the living room breathless with excitement. Jacob wasn't where I left him. Where was he? Oh god...

"Jake..." I trailed off into a deflated sob and sunk to the floor hitting my knees hard.

My mood change was so sudden that I couldn't stop the river of tears escaping me.

He left me. No one loves me. I'm so selfish, who wouldn't leave me? I questioned.

_That's right, you see what happens when you are as selfish and pathetic as you are, of course he left you._

"Bella? Are you okay?" a familiar voice inquired; Jacob!

Before I could stop myself I had launched myself into Jacob's un-expecting arms and sobbed pathetically for a few minutes before recovering my composure.

"Jake, Jake Jake. I thought that you left me... I thought you didn't love me anymore... Oh Jake I'm so happy you are hear." I half sobbed half hiccoughed into his muscular chest.

"Bells, honey, what's all this? Of course I love you! What brought that on!" Jacob inquired whilst rubbing soothing circles into my back and guiding me to the couch.

I blinked back the remaining tears and hiccupped once more before turning away from Jacob's concerned face. I could feel blush flood my cheeks as an almost maniacal laugh escaped me. Jacob stopped rubbing my back and forcibly turned me around to face him as we sat on the couch; a look that worried for my sanity briefly crossed his face before he sighed. We needed no words.

"Bella what are we going to do with you?" Jacob asked not expecting a serious answer allowing me to keep some dignity, he ignored my little moment.

I felt silly as we discussed what we originally came here to talk about this morning. I kept asking dumb questions reminding me of when I first figured out what Edward was. Things like the full moon was one of those stupid questions but Jacob sensing that I was a little fragile today didn't laugh too hard at my 'silly' mistakes. However I did learn a lot of knew information about the werewolves and that Jacob wasn't the only one.

"Let's see there is Sam, Paul, Embrey, me, Seth and Leah, Qui-"Jacob listed but couldn't finish as I looked up into his eyes with a presumably stupefied look upon my face.

"Hold on are you telling me that Leah Clearwater who I only recently saw is a werewolf?" I asked almost too loudly and comically shocked.

Jacob laughed before explaining.

"Yeah no one expected her to turn mainly because there has never been a female werewolf before. But technically when you saw her she was still 'human'. I think she turned because she freaked out over a slice of pizza or something. But it is strange she is incredibly well controlled. Leah has never phased when one of us is a wolf. I think she is just freaked out about us blokes seeing inside her head or vice versa."

"So Sam never makes her phase ever? Is it because of what happened?" I queried in a soft but curious voice.

"Yeah I think so. Sam does tend to bite anyone's head off if they say otherwise. I think he still feels quite bad for what happened after all they did love each other very much..." Jacob trailed off as he let out a much needed breathe. I also felt air escape me as I realised how long we were talking for.

Poor Leah I thought.

"So what is it like to be a wolf then?" I quipped to lighten the mood a bit.

"Oh it is freaking awesome when the pack isn't phased. I love the speed and raw power but the whole mind link thing is really annoying and kind of blows privacy out the window. Also it was embarrassing when I first started to learn to control phasing; a lot of the time I would end up naked..." Jacob exclaimed as I giggled a bit starting to feel my uneasy feeling lessen.

"Is that part of the reason that Leah doesn't have to phase when the rest of the pack is do you think?"

"Probably. But I think it is whole jumbles of things mainly love as I said before. So Bella how has things been for you? You look like you could use a decent night or two's sleep," Jacob said smoothly diverting the conversation elsewhere. I obliged I knew my Jacob and it was probably annoying to have to explain the obvious to me.

I finally felt like I could stop holding my breath so hard, Jacob didn't leave me after all. Sighing like a contented kitten I snuggled into Jacob's broad shoulder allowing him to aimlessly play with my hair as we sat there on the couch in the lounge room for the rest of the afternoon just staring out at the raindrops which slid down the glass window shining like diamonds.

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I am so sorry for the wait everyone the internet was down and the chapter is sort of rushed because of the information dump in it. Sorry!

**Please give opinions (criticism and complements alike). Read and Review!**

**Till next time =]**


	8. Chapter SEVEN

**Disclaimer: once again I don't own the rights to the twilight saga but this is a story of my own making. =P**

**Author's Note: Sorry that I hadn't posted as soon as I wanted to it is just that I have all this stuff to organise for university and then I started college which was totally new to me but I didn't forget about this story so don't fret! My OCD wouldn't let me if I tried despite long gaps inbetween writing I don't plan on ceasing unless I have finished the story! And then on top of that I had my first batch of half semseter exams then semseter finals which I finished yesterday! So hopefully in this semester break I will be able to write more.**

**And thanks so much for just letting me know that some of you enjoy my story/want me to keep on writing; it makes it so much easier to write when you feel like even one person out there is enjoying it. Thank you! =]**

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**Chapter Seven**

"Edward! Edward!" A high pitched, frantic voice screamed, causing my eyes to pop wide open. I sat bolt upright as if a million volts of electricity had just surged through my lower back.

It took me less than a second to realise that it was me who had been screaming his name. Another four seconds to realise that it was morning, (3:42am by my watch) and that I was in my bedroom. Then another five to realise I was drenched in sweat and panting like a sled dog.

Fuzzy memories concerning Jacob and yesterday came flooding back as I peeled my now very baggy pyjamas off my back and placed them carefully in the laundry hamper, which I closed with the lid evenly aligned, before shakily stepping onto the bathroom scales. My muscles ached as I did so, but I didn't notice, I was too preoccupied with remembering what I had been dreaming about.

I always remember my dreams, I never forgot, granted sometimes I would need to briefly think about it to remember the jest of it but not today it seemed; today my dream's story remained elusive. This troubled me slightly but not enough to continue pondering it.

Ninety eight point six pounds finally, after an agonising whole second came into focus.

It was a loss but for some reason I didn't feel my usual buzz of happiness I just felt relieved that it wasn't a gain, if I really thought about it I would realise I was subconsciously disappointed that it wasn't more but my sleepy mind reverted to autopilot as I went about getting changed into my exercise gear and warming my muscles before stepping outside into the pouring rain; ninety minutes of jogging on muddy tracks through the forest here I come.

Thankfully Jacob had went home last night otherwise he would see me like this and think that I was nuts for wanting to jog out in the rain but peculiarly I wasn't too sure if I actually wanted to be out here. The rain was icy it was probably 50 degrees and my muscles were tired before I even began to warm up. It almost reached my conscious thought that I no longer wanted to be out here expelling energy I didn't have, I actually needed to be out here lest the sky came tumbling down on my sodden hair that whipped me every stride I took. Maybe I am nuts...

_Oh but you do want to be here, no one will love you otherwise, and they will leave you otherwise..._

* * *

Once I got home I felt colder than ice and hurriedly shivered my way into the bathroom once more. I still had loads of time until I would have to walk to school which I was thankful for as I slipped off all my clothes and despite my body's incessant voice harping on about warmth I made sure the lid on the laundry hamper was perfectly aligned before turning the shower on and gasping out from the heat.

The boiling shower was a slice of heaven and a slice of hell. Heaven was all the delicious warmth being reabsorbed by my paled skin and replacing the slight blue tinge with pink. Hell, on the other hand was finding out just how cold I really was; the first drops of water were like knives slicing into my skin and then having to get out after finally rinsing the conditioner from my hair was almost equally as bad. I was cold once more even after drying my hair and getting dressed for school in my size zero skinny jeans and a baggy grey top over a navy blue thermal long-sleeved top; the thermals seemed necessary for some reason but my achy body was somewhat thankful for the reprieve.

_You are weak._

* * *

School was frustrating. My concentration was that of a two year old before I had even begun my first class and it came in waves like on the beach when the tide changed; some classes I was perfectly normal the others I felt dumber than a dunce. It was exhausting and frustrating I have had days in the past where my concentration had wanned but that was only when I was sick or really preoccupied with something that my teenage brain deemed important.

For some reason or another I realised that my concentration had been getting progressively worse but my mind came up blank with the start of or the reason for this as I sat in the library at lunch trudging through my math homework like it was thicker than concrete; somehow I finished it just after the halftime bell. This was lucky as Angela had just walked into the library looking around pointedly until her eyes found mine; she made a beeline for me.

"Hey Bella, I thought I might find you up her, studying of course," Angela said emphasising the word studying in an almost accusing tone, almost like it was a bad thing to try and study, to better myself.

_You must be better._

"Hey. I need to study at lunch otherwise I would never finish it all at home." I added that last part, it felt like an excuse and a reason at the same time. I smiled a genuine smile for Angela's benefit anyway.

_Because you are too stupid to finish it and who says you deserve lunch anyway?_

"Chill Bella, I just came to remind you that our first netball match is on this week, Friday, and the coach wants us to attend all practices. I think she is determined for our team to win at least once this season, or any season," Angela half laughed half sighed the last part.

"At least it is a home match so we are used to the field. When is it on, Ch- my dad wants to come and watch," I rolled my eyes embarrassed for Charlie having to sit through netball because he thought he had to as a father; Angela giggled at my expression, flicking her long hair back over her shoulders.

"It is on the last period when we normally have sport. I think our whole class is being made to watch but hardly anyone will show up, hopefully. Anyways you should come and sit with us at the table; we don't want to lose you again..."

"Don't worry this is what keeps me sane so you guys don't lose me again," I smiled actually meaning what I said, studying seemed to really make me feel better in a sick unnatural way but it seemed to be keeping me grounded so I didn't care that it once would be out of character for me to say let alone think or feel that.

I pretended to still be writing in my math book until I was certain Angela had left before letting out a breath. I knew I was nervous about the upcoming match but I also felt uncomfortable with the whole social exchanging of words. Being alone at lunch in the library was comforting and let me be by myself to study, do as I wish and avoid the canteen. Why I was so intent on avoiding the canteen I wasn't sure but a feeling in the pit of my stomach like a black raven in the recesses' of my mind, in a sense forebode me from going there; it was strange and had silently crept up on me, and just now I began to realise something had changed but who said I had to acknowledge this anyway?

_The evil, the raven, waits in a haunting manor, taunting, tricking, trapping, dooming..._

Ten minutes later the bell rang and I scooped up all my books; I felt like I should carry them rather than use a locker because it made me feel less lazy, it also burned more kilojoules, so that is what I decided to do from now on.

_Being lazy is morally sinful and you don't want to be immoral._

* * *

I then headed to biology. This made me feel sad, saying or if you want to be more accurate, screaming, Edward's name out loud when I awoke this morning had brought a bunch of pain I had pedantically tried to hide from myself to no avail but at least it made it easier to function, when it was a painful haze rather than this sharp, defined source emanating from the hole in my chest.

Today it seemed that we were going to be working on the human body which lightened my mood a bit. The human body would be a breeze; I already knew most of the stuff you had to learn so I sat back in my chair and lazily arranged my books and pencil case on the desk before me as Mr Varner began prattling on about the course outcomes in the topic. I sighed, if only the work was mildly challenging then I wouldn't find it so hard to rein in my dwindling concentration.

The only topic listed on the white board that pertained any hope of holding my interest was the second last topic, that wouldn't be investigated for another few weeks; it was a topic concerning enzymes which translated roughly to learning about the digestion of food and metabolising energy.

Today we would just be discussing the anatomy and introducing ourselves to the topic we also received an assignment that wasn't due until after the last topic, obviously the teacher was hopeful that people would actually hand their assignment in on the due date, but that was wasted hope, every teenager can be a master at procrastination. For me it made me smile knowing that I could grab another easy A, hopefully an A+ if I was lucky and worked really hard.

After that I let my mind wander into its haze of non-attentiveness and I sat back in my chair staring out the window trying to avoid my eyes raking over the empty spot beside me that represented in a physical sense the emptiness I felt inside myself.

"Miss Swan!" Mr Varner barked causing me to jump.

"Present," I lazily replied in a quiet voice; the class giggled in response and I felt my face flush pink.

"The roll was called at the beginning of class. Coach Clapp has requested that you head down to the indoor courts now." Mr Varner said whilst reading off a crumpled piece of paper and motioning with his pointed finger at the door.

I smiled in embarrassment once more before pilling my books and pens into my bag, not bothering to put all the pens and pencils back in the pencil case which left me feeling uneasy but I quickly told myself that was the nerves leading up to the netball match.

Angela was waiting for my in the corridor and we jogged in silence to the gym where the rest of the team was waiting outside listening to Coach Clapp attempt to raise team moral.

Angela and I, and probably other members of the team rolled their eyes, sharing a look between each other; we knew that all the girls on our team were exceptional players but no matter how good we were cooperation eluded us.

Surprisingly everyone even the quiet girls like Angela or myself, had a competitive edge which took over in varying intensities during a game, that never bode well for a win in a team orientated sport when the members were competing against the opposing team and themselves. I sighed and resigned myself to marching into the girls' locker room to my corner where Angela followed and the rest of the team dispersed into pairs or threes to get changed.

As I pulled my shirt then my thermals over my head I stole a glance at the bodies around me. Some made me smile because I knew I was slimmer and more noticeably toned but that smile was always wiped clean off my face as I saw the select few that were smaller than mine and more toned and the only two that seemed to fit were Lauren and Angela.

This hurried me into changing one half at a time. I pulled my uniform over my head so to hide the tops of my thighs from view, before pulling off my shoes and skinny jeans. When had I become so self conscious about my body? When I knew I could never look like those select two I did not know but I was and that is what I seemed to be acting upon now_._

_You are disgusting and unworthy of showing your body to others that is why but don't worry it will be better I promise._

"Woa, Bella, have you lost weight? I swear your uniform was tight on you before," Lauren asked in amazement, which broke me out of my reverie. I shrugged for one I didn't know what to say to that two Laurens tone implied she was impressed/curious which she never was around me; this shocked me so much I paused almost too long to be socially acceptable.

Was she implying that I was disgustingly too big for my uniform before? Or was she just marvelling at what I hoped would become the new me some day? At the moment it was just my hard work that I saw in the change room mirrors.

"Yeah a bit I guess," I mumbled softly realising everyone on the team was looking at me; it has become quite unheard of that Bella Swan talks to people ever since _that_ night.

I swallowed and nodded my thanks as everyone predictably commented on how skinny I was and how jealous they were before the conversation in the changing room predictably went to the subject of bodies and their flaws that only the beholder seemed to notice and/or care about; I felt at home in this conversation and could for once in a very long time join in with the rest of the girls whining about this and that and the diets/exercises they had half barely tried in what I knew as a vain attempt at fixing what everyone had.

I however knew that I was different somehow but I couldn't work out why my concerns seemed so genuine, I needed to get rid of the bits on my body that I couldn't take my eyes off every time I passed my reflection, that however I did not voice for something stopped me knowing that if I ever told anyone about this bad things would happen.

_Yes bad things would happen._

Luckily I was saved by Coach Clapp's shrill whistle beckoning us out of the change rooms. I subtly looked at myself in the mirror as everyone went outside and saw that despite my uniform being an extra-extra small and being the only person on the team wearing that size, it wasn't tight on me at all anymore, it wasn't baggy on me either but as Lauren had not so subtly pointed out it was noticeably bigger on me; this I did smile about, I felt proud of myself as I gave one last twirl to admire the small gap between my thighs when I put my knees together that had never been there before.

_You should be proud you have worked hard and are still working hard, one day you too will be worthy of love and when that day comes it will be more than just a small gap in your legs or an A on your report card to be proud about._

"Swan get a move on I can't have you playing Centre if this is how slow you are going to be!" Coach Clapp barked at me in a stern voice which snapped me out of it, whatever it was; stupid concentration.

"Sorry Coach won't happen again," I shouted back before running to join the rest of my team doing warm up exercises.

The other team must have only just got here because they too were warming up on the opposite end of the court. For the first time this afternoon I felt butterflies weakly fly around in the pit of my stomach as the realisation that in less than fifteen minutes I will be playing my first high school netball match on a team of people who once and probably still do fear for their safety whenever I participate in sport.

I gulped they all knew I was still a klutz outside of netball so what if I am terrible now and everything will be ruined because of me?

"Earth to Bella we have to go take position on court now before the coin toss," Angela gently said to me lowering her voice as she continued, "Are you alright Bella you seem to be-"

"Yeah I am fine Angela my concentration just hasn't been at its best today. You know how it is with schoolwork sometimes," I gushed out trying and succeeding at averting her worries from me; at times like now I didn't like how she could be so perceptive it made me feel strangely defensive as if I was doing something really bad which I knew I wasn't, well I think...

_Is it so wrong to better yourself Bella Swan?_

The opposing team looked strong, stronger than ours mainly because they seemed more attune with one another or because of the impressive air about them. But I largely put it down to the player with a big 'C' on her back and front looked a million times fitter than me. She was perky, had braces, pale red hair and brown eyes that smiled too friendly at us, us being my team. She was also four inches taller than me which was unusual for a centre court player. She was named Mel.

Mel and I took our position on court; the sound of the wings feet squeaking on the court, battling it out behind the respective centre court lines for the best position, was blocked out as I willed my eyes on the ball in Mel's hands; the opposition had won the coin toss and were first in position of the ball. I felt shaky and the butterflies in my predominantly empty stomach flew around like kids on crack. Even my vision felt slightly shaky but I put it down to nerves and stood poised ready for the shrill whistle to sound, not noticing the few of my classmates or Charlie standing to the side of the court.

Within a second and a half of the whistle being blown Mel launched the ball at the opposing WA (Wing Attack), and I felt my body react instinctively to intercept, our WD (Wing Defence) ran in the opposite direction being fooled by a clever feint left than right than right again leaving our WD running left.

I felt like electricity was pulsating through my fingers as the ball mad contact with them. The electricity travelled to my feet securely planting them on the ground, (in netball you can't walk with the ball). I looked around at our goal circle Lauren was bolting around the two defence players on her, Angela waited in the goal circle being careful not to leave the perfect position.

It had only been four seconds into the game as I shoulder passed the ball to Lauren whom quickly chest passed it to the left side of the goal circle in anticipation of me being there. I caught it and then lobbed it to Angela with such power and speed that the GK (Goal Keeper) defending Angela and the GD (Coal Defence) had not time to intercept.

My whole team seemed to be holding their breath as Angela rocked back on the balls of her heel before taking aim then jumping simultaneously as she shot. And scored!

The team felt uplifted by this but our WA and WD were so poor that by the end of the second quarter the team was ahead; twenty to six.

Now this put everyone's competitive nature into varying degrees of intensity, mine becoming lower as each second past, guilt seemingly overwhelmed me; it had to be my fault somehow, I wasn't good enough.

My concentration also lowered and I lost the small grip on it that I had since the beginning of the match just as the ball sailed towards me. Everything was quite the shouts from my team seemed too distant to be real; the crowd itself had stopped making noise a long time ago as noise ebbed away from my ears.

I drew in a breath that didn't seem to satisfy my lungs making my legs shaky and my arms too heavy to move fast enough; my arms had no hope of allowing me to catch the ball; it was coming closer...

My heart was beating louder and louder in my ears as the surroundings became softer and quieter.

I blinked and my eyes closed.

"Bella the ball! ..." a voice called too far away to know whom it was but sounded so familiar.

"Bella move now!" the voice growled and I shuddered with pleasure, well that is what I think it is but that feeling is too alien to tell.

My eyelids reopened in that one blink to see the ball less than a centimetre from my face. I sucked in a raged breath as the ball made contact with my face hitting my nose first then sending a shock wave that seemingly jolted my head backwards with my neck in pursuit; the force put me off balance sending my pitiful body to the ground.

Things went fuzzy then grey then blank.

* * *

"Bella can you hear me? ... Bella!" a very familiar voice shouted with the volume of a whisper. I tried to open my eyes but everything was hazy and they kept dropping without my consent.

"Char-ree?" I gurgled out realizing spit had pooled at the back of my throat.

Charlie stood over me with a concerned expression that went in and out of focus. I swallowed; it felt like a lead bowling ball rolling down my mouth in slow motion. Things started to clear in my vision.

A hand was supporting the back of my head and slowly helped me sit up which made the world spin. I gagged then dry heaved to the side; there wasn't enough in me to bring up.

"I feel really tired," I gasped out every breath trying to sound understandable.

"It's okay sweetie I'll take you home," Charlie said his voice sounding slightly relieved, "can you stand honey?"

"Yerr, maybe, I'll try," I said in an audible whisper as I attempted to stand but found myself leaning heavily on Angela who was standing behind me, I guess I couldn't stand after all.

My cheeks flooded with blush as I looked sheepishly at Charlie whom frowned before coming to my right side and Angela to my left to start the shaky fuzzy journey to the car.

"Bells do you need a hospital? Or at least a doctor? You look very pale." Charlie said as we made our way up the drive to our front door.

The car ride was nauseating and my motivation to reply was wanning exponentially fast.

"No!" I almost shouted but something stopped me saying that it was a bad idea. It might arouse suspicion. Instead I quickly said that I hadn't slept and that I was just really tired which didn't completely convince Charlie as I made my way more steadily to the kitchen.

"See I can walk and everything Dad it is just that I really wanted to study for an assignment the past few nights and just have been neglecting my body's needs. I am fine just exhausted ... and really thirsty," I even managed a smile up at him which had the desired effect of softening his features and allowing me to breathe easy knowing that I had convinced him and all that may result from this was a brief lecture on life-study balance and a day off school.

After rummaging in the kitchen for a few minutes Charlie left for work saying that if I should need anything just call. I literally sighed like in the cartoons as I heard the door close and his cruiser back out of the driveway.

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**p.s. I wrote this chapter quite a few months ago then I finally found it on my computer whom refused to turn on for a while but I went over it briefly to check there wasn't anything majorly wrong with it. I know it is short and the ending isn't too great but I don't think it is too horrible either...**

**As always your thoughts are much appreciated! Constructive criticism and comments are welcome!**

**Once again sorry for taking so long!**

**My own health issues also made it hard to write for a while...**


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